Home Is Where Their Hearts Are: A Boing Boing Gadgets Holiday Deployment Checklist

From darkest Amazon, a selection of essential items with which the holiday stay with your family may be enjoyed with little-to-no emotional, social, or evidential trace. Three-Hole Ski Mask Expose only the minimum amount of flesh to your family at dinner, cooly slipping one centimeter lengths of candy cane into your mouth at constant rate, the resonant crunch drowning out their insipid prattle. Small holes in the side will allow the addition of sunglasses, further protecting you from eye contact. $5
Sclerotome Pain Chart Great as a conversation starter—and ender—this handy Sclerotome Pain Chart shows embryological sclerotome pain pathways, the better to pinpoint sclerotogenous pain from spinal levels C-1 through S-3. Ball peen not included. $55

SVAT Imitation Security Dome While the temporary nature of your stay may prevent the installation of proper security features, the SVAT ISC302 Outdoor Imitation Dome Security Camera with Blinking LED will keep them guessing while you install what meager protections you can muster. Perfect for the bathroom, or directly over the piles of presents. $20
Hornady 7mm RemMag 139Gr IB Hvy Mag/20 Hornady's proprietary bonding process keeps the core and jacket together no matter where the bullet may penetrate, maintaining 90% of its mass even through "tough hides and bone." The InterBond, with its premium polymer tip, delivers "deep penetration and a destructive wound channel." A classic stocking stuffer. $46
An Historic Photo Print Liven up your kid sister's room with a tranquil historic print. We suggest this rustic scene depicting the garroting of a prisoner at Bilibid Prison in the Philippines. Also available printed on a pack of 20 greeting cards, perfect for sending out holiday wishes for those too far to touch in person. $30
Anti-Riot Tactical Helmet It's the part of the holidays no one wants to discuss, but we know in our crystalline cores to be true. Someone is going to fuck the mashed potatoes. Be ready. $60

Lock Jaw Door Security Device Sure, the deadbolt you installed last year is still in place, but anyone with a bump key and a thirst for blood can pop the lock while you recharge. Add this additional security to the door, where its high-grade alloy and titanium brass plating will prevent anyone from entering without your permission—even if they have the key. Even if they made you make a second key. They made you. $20
Ancient Art Of Strangulation (Paperback) by Haha Lung The holidays are no time for serious mental edification, so kick back with a little light reading. Dr. Lung takes a spirited romp through the history of the Thuggee, the murderous cult who took strangulation out of Borscht Belt clubs into the national spotlight. $15

Relaxman Relaxation Capsule Preprogrammed music and lights lull you into a somber catatonia of reflection, priming the brain for subconscious tactical planning. A rested mind is a scheming mind! The Relaxman is completely heat and light proof, so be sure to keep your immediate location as secure and tango-free as possible. $40,000
Squeeze – Greatest Hits The holidays aren't just for old traditions. Make a few new ones! Make gathering in a circle around a single flame in the darkness listening to hit songs from U.K. new wave band Squeeze—"Another Nail In My Heart"; "Trust Me To Open My Mouth"; "Pulling Mussels (From the Shell)"; "Tempted"; "Annie Get Your Gun"; "No Place Like Home"—a new tradition to be passed on through the generations. $10
Fresh Whole Rabbit Rabbit meat is one of nature's secret power sources, made entirely from rabbits. These whole carcasses from Cloverdale keep for weeks at room temperature, suffer no documented cases Tularemia (rabbit fever), and can even be cooked. (Don't neglect to view the "Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought" selections.) $39
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19 Responses to Home Is Where Their Hearts Are: A Boing Boing Gadgets Holiday Deployment Checklist

  1. Anonymous says:

    if you buy the rabbit aviod the movie repultion

  2. Freddie Freelance says:

    I’m in for the Helmet.

    Oooh, oooooooh! Me, too! I’ve always wanted a Riot Helmet to wear while riding my bike, and since this one “PROVIDES FULL HEAD PROTECTION AGAINST ROCKS, STICKS, BOTTLES, ACID, ETC.” it’s perfect for riding while on acid!

  3. hemidemisemiquaver says:

    ‘fuck the mashed potatoes’ is certainly a brilliant phrase, but it’s borrowed from a sample off the Beastie Boys’ Ill Communication. But ‘cooly slipping one centimeter lengths of candy cane into your mouth at constant rate’? pure lovely.

  4. hatekillpuke says:

    Just what I’ve always wanted, a skull cap riot helmet, complete with face shield and fabric mullet.

  5. devophill says:

    borrowed from a sample off the Beastie Boys’ Ill Communication

    I don’t believe the wording was quite exactly like that. “”If it’s gonna be that kinda party, I’m’a stick my dick in the mashed potatoes” IIRC.

  6. Teresa Nielsen Hayden / Moderator says:

    Consider Narual’s suggestion about ladybugs. I’ve always wanted to bestow some on a party I intend to leave early.

    They’re quiescent as long as you keep them refrigerated. When they get warm, they wake up. If you were to wrap the bags of ladybugs in some insulating material and fasten them to (say) the underside of the sofa, or the back of your aunt’s antique sideboard, you could put in a civil appearance, make some conversation, eat a little cake, and be gone before the first few skirmishing ladybugs gave way to the heavy assault troops.

    Nematodes and praying mantis eggs are no use at a party.

  7. Anonymous says:

    The exact same “customers who bought items like these” list appears when you look at other strange items such as UFO detectors. I think their algorithm s need a little tweaking. Or something.

  8. iamone says:

    Dammit Uncle Larry!

    I’m in for the Helmet.

  9. lamarlowe says:

    Mmmmmmmm, good taters! Sweet taters!

  10. Patrick Nielsen Hayden says:

    And after the Squeeze singalong, you’ll spend the next six weeks with “Pulling Mussels from the Shell” embedded in your head with the ferocity of a blood-engorged tapeworm. Greatest one-note solo ever, though.

  11. OpinioNate says:

    The reviews for Relaxman are hilarious!

  12. Marshall says:

    Thanks for using the phrase “Someone is going to fuck the mashed potatoes.” I’m coming to your house for X-mas this year!

  13. noen says:

    Re: “the garroting of a prisoner at Bilibid Prison in the Philippines”

    Since it doesn’t cause major organ failure or death (when done correctly) this device depicted here only simulates actual strangulation. The Bush administration thanks you for adding yet another safe, legal and non-torturing technique in their quest to save you from those hordes of brown people who will force you to live under Sharia.

  14. A New Challenger says:

    Perfect! I’ve been looking for a gadget that would help me shoop da woop without much effort! Thanks, Joel!

  15. Narual says:

    You left out the bugs :(

    You can buy live insects on amazon. 1500 ladybugs for $9.99, nematodes, praying mantis eggs…

  16. baywatersport says:

    I just created a definition for “fuck the mashed potatoes” at unbandictionary dot com. Hope you all like it


  17. Clifton says:

    … and then the butler says “If it’s gonna be that kinda party, I’m’a stick my dick in the mashed potatoes” – It’s the punchline to an old dirty joke. Unfortunately I’ve never been able to find the first part of the joke.

  18. davesjoint says:

    I never thought about it but I guess Strangulation IS an art (an ancient one at that)!

  19. Registrado says:

    Fresh Whole Rabbit
    (Don’t neglect to view the “Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought” selections.)

    That set of items looks familiar. I bet they cooked their rabbits with some uranium purchased from Amazon.

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