From darkest Amazon, a selection of essential items with which the holiday stay with your family may be enjoyed with little-to-no emotional, social, or evidential trace.
Three-Hole Ski Mask
Expose only the minimum amount of flesh to your family at dinner, cooly slipping one centimeter lengths of candy cane into your mouth at constant rate, the resonant crunch drowning out their insipid prattle. Small holes in the side will allow the addition of sunglasses, further protecting you from eye contact.
Sclerotome Pain Chart
Great as a conversation starter—and ender—this handy Sclerotome Pain Chart shows embryological sclerotome pain pathways, the better to pinpoint sclerotogenous pain from spinal levels C-1 through S-3. Ball peen not included.
SVAT Imitation Security Dome
While the temporary nature of your stay may prevent the installation of proper security features, the SVAT ISC302 Outdoor Imitation Dome Security Camera with Blinking LED will keep them guessing while you install what meager protections you can muster. Perfect for the bathroom, or directly over the piles of presents.
Hornady 7mm RemMag 139Gr IB Hvy Mag/20
Hornady's proprietary bonding process keeps the core and jacket together no matter where the bullet may penetrate, maintaining 90% of its mass even through "tough hides and bone." The InterBond, with its premium polymer tip, delivers "deep penetration and a destructive wound channel."
A classic stocking stuffer.
An Historic Photo Print
Liven up your kid sister's room with a tranquil historic print. We suggest this rustic scene depicting the garroting of a prisoner at Bilibid Prison in the Philippines. Also available printed on a pack of 20 greeting cards, perfect for sending out holiday wishes for those too far to touch in person.
Anti-Riot Tactical Helmet
It's the part of the holidays no one wants to discuss, but we know in our crystalline cores to be true. Someone is going to fuck the mashed potatoes. Be ready.
Lock Jaw Door Security Device
Sure, the deadbolt you installed last year is still in place, but anyone with a bump key and a thirst for blood can pop the lock while you recharge. Add this additional security to the door, where its high-grade alloy and titanium brass plating will prevent anyone from entering without your permission—even if they have the key.
Even if they made you make a second key.
They made you.
Ancient Art Of Strangulation (Paperback) by Haha Lung
The holidays are no time for serious mental edification, so kick back with a little light reading. Dr. Lung takes a spirited romp through the history of the Thuggee, the murderous cult who took strangulation out of Borscht Belt clubs into the national spotlight.
Relaxman Relaxation Capsule
Preprogrammed music and lights lull you into a somber catatonia of reflection, priming the brain for subconscious tactical planning. A rested mind is a scheming mind!
The Relaxman is completely heat and light proof, so be sure to keep your immediate location as secure and tango-free as possible.
Squeeze – Greatest Hits
The holidays aren't just for old traditions. Make a few new ones! Make gathering in a circle around a single flame in the darkness listening to hit songs from U.K. new wave band Squeeze—"Another Nail In My Heart"; "Trust Me To Open My Mouth"; "Pulling Mussels (From the Shell)"; "Tempted"; "Annie Get Your Gun"; "No Place Like Home"—a new tradition to be passed on through the generations.
Fresh Whole Rabbit
Rabbit meat is one of nature's secret power sources, made entirely from rabbits. These whole carcasses from Cloverdale keep for weeks at room temperature, suffer no documented cases Tularemia (rabbit fever), and can even be cooked.
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