POSTED BY

Rob Beschizza

AT 8:25 AM
Friday May 16, 2008

Meta

The legend of Mall Ninja

imitation.jpgIf a fellow walked into a Glock fans' forum thread and started a jargon-heavy discussion about how best to take multiple .338 shots to the back, what would you imagine his career to be? The top bodyguard for a developing nation's ambassador, perhaps? A specialist document courier?

No.

"I am the Sergeant of a three-man Rapid Tactical Force at one of America’s largest indoor retail shopping areas."

This is his preferred loadout:

* 3) MP5K-PDW with red-dot sights;
* 2) G36 rifles using SS109 rounds;
* 3) Glock practical tacticles in .357 Sig
* 1) PSG-1 using Fed Gold Medal .308
* 1) Starlight scope for the PSG-1 in case we lose power in the building.
* 3) Glock 27 backup guns
* 3) Kahr P-9 holdouts

If you like gadgets that don't kill people (because trolls kill people) this is the legendary thread for you.

"I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls. ... If you want to laugh at somebody, try laughing at the sheep out there who go to the mall unarmed trusting in me to stand guiard over their lives like a God."

Shrine of the Mall Ninja [Lonely Machines via Qt3]

4

19 Comments

skarbreeze

#1 – 8:48 AM May 16, 2008

This collection of posts by two so-called security guards are a veritable forum legend, and a very funny read. Take time over lunchbreak to really dig through it all :)

santulli

#2 – 9:17 AM May 16, 2008

I really wanted to comment on this, but I'm kinda at a loss for words. It's just amazing that folks have this much time on their hands, both the mall ninjas and their gleeful antagonizers. The endless stream of bullshit makes for quite a read. One of my favorites:

"it’s nice to know that I have your support in this dark cruel world."

Anonymous Anonymous

#3 – 9:24 AM May 16, 2008

When the zombie apocalypse comes, you want to hole up in that guy's mall with him.

bardfinn

#4 – 9:36 AM May 16, 2008

This story demands:

Sweet,

and

Totally Flippin' Out.

MooseDesign

#5 – 9:42 AM May 16, 2008

Simultaneously terrifying and mesmerizing. But absolutely hilarious...

Fnarf

#7 – 11:12 AM May 16, 2008

Unlike most topics, Marshall, one can NEVER get enough Mall Ninja.

Jake0748

#8 – 11:14 AM May 16, 2008

Love the black Segway.

Stefan Jones

#9 – 11:58 AM May 16, 2008

That is not a Segway. A Segway is an inferior vehicle for civilian sheep. A Segway doesn't have three hardpoints and a spare fuel tank for a flame thrower. A Segway doesn't generate enough torque to launch a novice user high enough to break through the atrium roof over the food court.

What we have here is a Fragmaster Mobility Assist Mk. IV, only available to trained retail security personnel.

SC_Wolf

#10 – 1:24 PM May 16, 2008

Man, that Fragmaster Mobility Assist Mk. IV moves faster than Walt Flanagan's Dog!

Fnarf

#11 – 1:47 PM May 16, 2008

Well, whatever it is, you have to admit that fierce dude looks SUPER BADASS on it. I wouldn't even THINK of making a fart noise outside of Orange Julius if he was around.

vintagecaveman

#12 – 1:51 PM May 16, 2008

It sounds like Dwight Schrute just started working at the mall.

Marshall

#13 – 2:52 PM May 16, 2008

#6 I agree. Hell, I wish someone would give Mall Ninja a blog and pay him to write it. I'd read it every-goddamn day.

Anonymous Anonymous

#14 – 3:23 PM May 16, 2008

I tend to wear military-style boots, pants with a lot of pockets, and a bunch of useful junk on my belt, and every day before I walk outside I say a short prayer to Server that nobody mistakes me for one of these guys.

PurpleAlex

#15 – 11:05 PM May 16, 2008

You laugh, but if seeing Dawn of the Dead has taught me anything, these guys will be the first line of defence in a zombie apocalypse.
Seriously though, that's hilarious.

MooseDesign

#16 – 11:53 PM May 16, 2008

@Fnarf: That, or someone has had a little fun Pshopping the Terminator's face onto him. Look closely.

strider_mt2k

#17 – 4:34 AM May 17, 2008

That was disturbing-larious!

demidan

#18 – 11:56 AM May 17, 2008

Well,,, that guy is lying his arse off! A H&K PSG-1 Costs between $12000-15000 dollars and the U.S.is restricted to importing 400 rifles a year. They are owned primarily by wealthy collectors not mall "Ninjas".

stumo

#19 – 6:03 PM May 18, 2008

After a while in the conversation, you get to:

Also, Neonazi skinhead gangs are the most difficult thing we currently must deal with, it is not Chechin thzat we have to worry about, it is the Australian militants, and I dan’t care if they reed this, they allready know that we are onto them and we will not give up.

Australian militants - wasn't there a running joke in GTA about a war against Australia? Could this be in fact a publicity stunt for GTA?

Sadly, I suspect that it's a real person posting it. I find it very scary that chances are they have a gun, and even if it's not one of the ones mentioned, it's a gun too many.

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