GRADED: The Worst '10 Worst Consoles' List of All Time
We wish we could have left it well enough alone. Certainly, in the Journalistic Special Olympics of blogging, criticizing another web writer's wordsmithing is a slippery slope ending in a pit full of our own weasel words, forced metaphors, slapdash punctuation and dangling participles.
But there was something wonderful about Ryan Ash's recent list for Gearfuse: The 10 Worst Video Game Consoles Of All Time. Something sublime. Something that nuzzled itself in the hollow of our bile duct and wouldn't stop roiling. In only two thousand words, Ash had perfectly measured the space between the nadir of prosaic achievement and the barrier of entry to Digg-bait style list compiling. Its diameter? A single neutrino.
Who were we — mortal men hewn of flesh and blood, hazy of grammar and flatulent of opinion — to judge one of our peers? But no matter how much we tried... no matter how much we drank... we couldn't let it go. Still, we didn't quite trust ourselves with grading Ryan's list. Out came the phone book, and our old English teacher Mrs. Buttermer was recruited to grade Ryan's essay as if it were a high school book report.
We regret to inform you that, post-grading, neither fared very well. Hit the jump to see the graded list... a document just as much about one writer's flagrant disregard for five hundred years of English-language composition as it is about old Mrs. Buttermer's lubricated slalom out of both sanity and sobriety. Click to enlarge.
Fowler wept.
the latest
latest episodes
Wait, would this qualify for an epic fail?
That was just beautiful. Thank you Mrs Buttermer. Thank you so much.
I am am both gratified and appalled that I am not alone in my excessive irritation at this list. I'm not bothered by his opinions on consoles (though I love my Wii), but by his writing. Clearly I'm reading the right blog everyday. Way to go boingboing.
Also, excellent depiction of a tacophone.
Also also, if it turns out that this guy is a twelve year-old trying his hand at blogging, we're gonna feel like a bunch of dicks.
Speaking of the Wii, I got to play with the WiiFit Yoga training program briefly today. This is my killer app. I have never owned a single gaming console in my life. That will change tomorrow.
I hope to be doing the
One-Legged King Pigeon Pose - Eka Pada Rajakapotasana in no time...
The coffee stains are just lovely. Are those cigarette burns?
They are.
Is your decrepit handwriting a result of longhand atrophy from too much keyboard intimacy? I ask because mine looks as bad.
You are my heroes.
@#3: I was under the impression the whole time that he was around 12. If he isn't, well that's when it gets sad.
I love you guys so much.
I had a Sega CD and 32x and thought I was the coolest kid on the block, way cooler than that little bitch Scott that had his own rifle. I saved my allowance for so long to buy them, and Sega repaid my fiscal indiscretion by releasing lame rehashes of arcade titles and then canning the whole platform shortly after. Since that day when Sega killed my soul, I swore never to buy another one of their products.
Just had to say thank you for this as well. While I'm sure my own blogging wouldn't stand up to intense scrutiny, this article deserved to be torn apart. Seriously, the criticism of the Wii isn't coherent at all.
"CITE," "Histrionic," and especially "'It's a game console,' perhaps?" made me stop reading and keel over.
You missed at least one "it's" that should've been an "its", a mistake that's become so ubiquitous these days that we tend to notice when that's done correctly. ☹
You know what's really crazy? I own and love a Lynx and yet I was still expecting it to be on the list. Of course, it was the only one of the 1st wave of portable game systems that was in full color, so perhaps one of the lesser systems that trailed the Gameboy should be added.
Oh, for the love. This is, indeed, fucking awesome. Not shitty at all.
Is there any way to turn this into a regular feature, with reader-submitted articles?
nice article.. i miss some pics.. of my favorite consoles.. :)
Hey, I have a brilliant idea - rather than refuting a point, let's just scribble it out of existence.
Your regrading was great until the Wii ._.
This definitely deserves to be a weekly feature - perhaps the readers can vote on which pathetic article gets forwarded on to Ms. B & The RED PEN OF CORRECTION!
Credit where credit is due. Ryan Ash had a couple of real winning lines: "You could say they top the Vietnam War, but you won't."
"The N-Gage had nothing going for it for one sole reason: it's a fucking phone."
I mean, come on! Those are great. I think the kid's got potential. A few sessions with Mrs. B and I think he'll be cranking out some gems.
#17 The original author had nothing to support the inclusion of the Wii on the list. He treats the Nintendo franchises (Mario & Zelda) with reverence in previous entries and then says that Nintendo is doing the "same old shit". Also apparently we are being fed "trite". I wonder what that tastes like...
Generally speaking, sales are a good way to determine the success of a console. Since the Wii continues to sell like crazy it's very hard to call it the "worst console of all time".
Joel,
You should be ashamed of yourself! Look at this:
Something sublime. Something that nuzzled itself in the hollow of our bile duct and wouldn't stop roiling.
ROILING? Are you trying to roil down the street in my low rider?
All in all, I love what you guys did. The war death tolls vs. Sonic is priceless. Keep up the good work.
-Vince V.
Every once in a while, I think to myself, "I should start a blog; I've got things I'd like to say." Then I read something like this post and immediately scrap the idea. This was genius. Sheer fucking genius.
You sir are the Yahtzee of blog reviews.
Do this is video form and I bet half the internet would worship you!
Encore!
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation
"Shit is not the only fruit"
Oh man, I laughed until I cried. Then coworkers came by and asked me why I was crying. I showed them, they then called me a nerd.
This made my day, and I would vote for a weekly feature on blog english skillz from Mrs. Buttermer. To think I felt vaguely guilty about making fund of the kid's writing in the other thread.
I'd still like to know why the Amstrad GX4000 was such a bad console, since the article didn't give one single specific reason.
@ #21:
"Roiling" is a word. Nice try, though. You work for Gearfuse too, if I'm not mistaken.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/roil
grrr fund? fund? Fun*.
uhh yeah, I've decided to not be needy and find out why the Amstrad was so bad my own damn self.
There was nothing really wrong with the Amstrad; it basically fixed a problem with the original (very successful) Amstrad, namely the lack of hardware scrolling and sprites, and added a then-awesome 4096-color palette. The price was right, too, at under 100 UK.
It was killed by three developments, each compounding the last. First, they didn't get many games out at launch or in the months after. Second, 16-bit consoles were just around the corner, and the Nintendo and Sega marketing juggernauts were beginning to spend a lot of money. Thirdly, by the time the SNES and Megadrive (Genesis) actually hit town, the Amstrad *still* had only a handful of games.
Commodore also released a console version of its 8-bit C64 in Europe, suffered more or less an identical fate.
Also also, if it turns out that this guy is a twelve year-old trying his hand at blogging, we're gonna feel like a bunch of dicks.
Who's "we", kemo sabe? Best time to find out that he's not a precious and unique snowflake.
# Worst of Anything lists generally suck; they tend toward flamebait.
#17,
You've never had an actual English teacher do that to you?
This is great. I'd put it right up there with your Pikachu Meets Lolita ( http://blog.wired.com/tableofmalcontents/2007/02/erratic_thought_15.html ) and your Hanah Stuart interview ( http://kotaku.com/gaming/halo/feature-hanah-stuart-halo-violinist-202978.php ).
Well done.
People across the room keep asking me what the hell I'm laughing at. This is incredible.
The calls for citation, quotes about profanity and the "Argument from Photo Layout" are perfect and I love the "SEE ME" at the end. I've always hated getting that back on papers. The coffee rings and cigarette burns (?) are also hilarious.
Fantastic! Please, a regular feature! Pleasey-pleasey-please!
I was under the impression the whole time that he was around 12. If he isn't, well that's when it gets sad.
He could be a senior in high school. That's the eldest I imagine, though- I'm an optimist.
Awesome - thanks for putting it all up here so I don't have to give them hits - the Wii is total flame/hit-bait.
Wow, that brought me all the way back to High School Advanced English class. I'd completely forgotten about "Run-on" phrases! I love it.
Speaking of English class, was anyone else here ever told not to begin phrases with "this" or "these" ?
What mercy to let him get away with using the word "trite" as a noun in the last paragraph.
Shit, that shit was some beautifully brutal shit.
Is it wrong that the only thing I cared about was making sure none of mine were on the list? :)
Oh, that's fantastic! Thanks Mrs. Buttermer!
The Vectrex had a "most unqiue" feature? MOST UNQIUE?? That's double-dipping the abuse of the English language, right there.
@38 Oh, good! I complained about that one to a friend. It's right up there with "kind of pregnant" and "fairly exciting."
"The first time I ever played Donkey Kong was on my neighbor's Intellivision when we were kids".
The guy's in his thirties(!).
Flame away, no delicate snowflakes will be melted.
Thank you for your careful consideration of the serial comma. Perhaps for penance, the writer might peruse David Foster Wallace's article on grammar in Harper's Magazine (2001). Even better: ship him off a copy of 'Consider the Lobster' for the best article on grammar ever written.
The last sentence of the Virtual Boy section reads: "Just wall mount that piece add a quarter slot to it...".
Prior to the comma added in the markup after "piece", there should also be inserted "of shit". I'm sure Ryan's upset that he left that one out.
#32... He played the Intellivision and 2600 Jr. when they were current systems, and remembers it. The youngest he could be is 28-29.
Was given an 'Intellivision' by my neighbour; collecting retro consoles/computers, it was a pretty cool lump. But as for gaming (it had football [soccer]), it was barely minutes of 'fun'!
I think I have the entire back catalog of Vectrex games too (about 9 i think), but no gels - pic shows them, but no mention - the gels turn the B/W screen into patches of colour. No gel = squiggly lines on a tv.
As for the Wii - You need (real, not web) friends to make it worthwhile.
I do, and it is!
I am saddened by the lack of correction for the assertion that the SNES came with Super Mario Land, a game made for the Game Boy. The SNES came with Super Mario World. My heart is breaking.
OH MY GOD HE CALLED SUPER MARIO WORLD SUPER MARIO "LAND" THOSE GAMES ARE NOTHING ALIKE. THE LATTER IS FOR THE GAMEBOY!