Fake branded pens designed to upset freeloading pen-borrowers
Sick of people asking to borrow your pen? These amusingly-texted biros were created for just this purpose, with made-up branding such as "Springfield Sexual Addiction Center" and "Stuffed with Love, Taxidermist."
Problem: people will want to steal your pens even more! It's as if there was a somewhat sharper original concept, but they ultimately went for light entertainment rather than making the pen-challenged recipient actually feel uncomfortable.
Let's come up with some genuinely awkward pens in this vein, and perhaps put in an official BBG order at pens.com. Your ideas in the comments, ladies and gentlemen!
Product Page [Perpetual Kid via Oh Gizmo! and Gadget Lab]
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"(555) 323-9812 — Discrete Terminations," is perhaps too obvious, but I like John's first suggestion: "It Didn't Happen -- Holocaust Denier's Club Chapter 438."
"Bi Curious Hotline (900)555-1212"
"Sexy grandmas ready and willing 24/7 976-SEXX"
Copropheliacs Anonymous
How about cutting to the chase? "If you're reading this and it isn't your pen... I'm going to stab you in the face next time we meet... with another pen."
or just "Give me my pen back."
"Thank you for purchasing this rectal thermometer from Barony's Gently Used Medical Supplies. We appreciate your business!"
How about just a radiation hazard symbol, or aren't people afraid of that any more?
Communicable Rash Centre
800-555-ITCH
"Brooklyn STD Treatment Center, Outpatient Clinic"
"Execute Mumia!"
"Read 'Hitler was Right' by Bubba Whitebread"
"The person holding this pen is an idiot"
"I watched 'Three Girls in a Cup' and LIKED IT!"
Crap, I screwed up the last one. And, for anyone wondering, I've personally never actually seen 'Two Girls, One Cup'...
Jack, I actually prefer your first attempt. You managed to conflate the work of Jerome K. Jerome and the most notorious gross-out porn of our time.
I salute you.
BUSH/CHENEY '04
"NAMBLA -- Friend of the Children"
"Get FREE Novelty Pens -- Custom Made for Your Business," followed by a tinyurl link to Goatse.
"Denver Tuberculosis Clinic -- NOTE: DO NOT CHEW ON THIS PEN"
I love the idea of something that subtly communicates that the pen might be poisonous or toxic.
A well-used pen, with a little grey dust in the cracks, for "A-ONE ASBESTOS REMEDIATION"
well I just have one more NAMBLA one
"Life-time NAMBLA member"
I mean, it's the only group of people that are more universally hated than nazi's.
Or how about
"I
just add a big confederate flag.
I friend of mine used to work for the CDC's Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry. He even got to keep pens he borrowed from other people. Here are the top three CDC sub-agency names for pen retention:
The Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry (ATSDR)
The National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD, and TB Prevention (NCHHSTP)
The National Center for Preparedness, Detection, and Control of Infectious Diseases (NCPDCID)
I'd rather lose a pen or two than have to explain why I, a tall, shorn-headed, blue-eyed, tattoo'd cacuasian, carry pens covered in swastikas and confederate flags. Or NAMBLA. Geezus.
A friend left an "Erectile Dysfunction Hotline" pen on his boss' desk on his last day at work, so that it was out of view when sitting by the desk, but in clear view for any visitors.
Nathan Bedford Forrest Center for Racial Justice
Halley Liposuction and Lubricating
Ruby & Warren Exterminating
Enema stuffer
I'm with Toxinix. Any pen offensive enough to cross over the funny barrier is going to be too offensive for you to carry and use. All these jokey "erectile dysfunction" ones are too much like gag gifts. And if you work someplace where happy chat about NAMBLA or Nazis isn't a gag, you can't touch those.
"San Francisco Pole Polishers Union
Local #328"
"Hershey's SweetCon 2008
Honorable Mention, Fudge Packing Competition"
"KLEENMAX Colon Purgative
Lose weight the easy way!"
What about some kind of nasty looking stain printed on there?
Coupled with Mazerrackham's "Rectal Thermometer", that should do the trick.
"Roseanne Fan Club Charter Member"
(I also love the idea of "BUSH/CHENEY '04." I'm in Ohio and the wounds will never heal..)
"This Pen Was Stolen From (insert name)"
I actually saw this option available on some special order pens a few years back...
"This is property of the U. S. Internal Revenu Service - Audit Division
Possesion by unauthorized persons is a violation of Sec. 34852 and punishable by up to $500 in fines."
Pen which looks 'pre-chewed'
Marty's Septic
Drainage, filtration, repair
"The sweetest Honeywagon in town."
How about just borrowing pens from real businesses like in my area, Jacksonville,FL we have a furniture chain inexplicably named Badcock & more. Here is the link to the website http://www.badcock.com/store/index.jsp
When you go to the site the header proclaims "Welcome to Badcock & more!" Maybe I am juvenile but I can't drive past this store without at least a smirk! The only place more un p.c. in Jax is Ying's Chinee Takee Outee!
(sign pictured here)
http://www.ugoto.com/picture_yingschineetakeeoutee.html
Westland/Hallmark Meat Company
I have never failed to get a pen back by using this dialogue:
"Can I borrow your pen?"
"Do you believe in God?"
"Huh?"
"Do you believe in God?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess."
"Do you SWEAR TO GOD you'll give this pen back to me?"
"What? Yeah."
"Here you go."
I had a guy stop his taxi and have him return to the bar I was at to return my 99-cent pen once. Works every time.
/\/.