Kill a man with the Unbreakable Umbrella

unbreakable_umbrella.jpg

For $180, the Unbreakable Umbrella advertises a precipitation shielding system that is not only nigh-invulnerable enough to support the body weight of an Ian Holm look-alike, but which is also strong enough to smash open a human skull like a watermelon.

Our Unbreakable Umbrella has no unusual parts, no more metal than an average umbrella, it does not arouse suspicion, can be carried legally everywhere where any weapons are prohibited, unlike a walking stick it does not cause strange looks if carried by an able-bodied person, and it does protect from rain. Anyone who can use a stick for defense can use this umbrella.

Do you know how to swing a baseball bat? Do you know how to strike with a sturdy stick? If you do, you know all you need to know…

…to beat a man clean to death with an umbrella. Any umbrella, in point of fact.

The Unbreakable Umbrella [Real Self Defense via Oh Gizmo]

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16 Responses to Kill a man with the Unbreakable Umbrella

  1. Skep says:

    Wow, it is a pricey boffer.

    Although you could thrust with it, the umbrella is too light, too flexible and too padded to make an effective baton.

    You can probably hit a heavy bag a few times with an ordinary reasonable quality umbrella and get away with it. I’m not really impressed.

  2. Halloween Jack says:

    Color me dubious that you can really cut a watermelon in half with an umbrella that weighs less than two pounds.

  3. Enochrewt says:

    I guess having a covert weapon is cool, but will the fabric tear away from the umbrella ribs? That’s usually the main failure in my umbrellas, not the metal/plastic parts breaking.

  4. bardfinn says:

    Beat to death? No. Too much flex – unless you’re Jet Li, striking pressure points.
    Thrust to death? Yes.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I’ll be impressed when a person can stand on the ribs of an open umbrella with out damaging the same

  6. Amplifier says:

    The surest way to kill a man with an unbreakable umbrella is to stab him in the guts, and then open it.

  7. shutz says:

    Remind me of this again when the price is in the “disposable” range (about 5$) or when they make an “unlosable” umbrella.

    I usually lose my umbrellas long before they break.

  8. shutz says:

    No, the surest way to kill a man with an unbreakable umbrella is to force him to swallow it, and THEN open it.

    Although, if cartoons are to be believed, that still might not kill said man, who might then come back with some other ACME-branded contraption to exact his revenge.

  9. Freddy de la Cruz says:

    “Tom Kurz with his Unbreakable Umbrella on an airplane.

    No more killing umbrellas in planes. Call TSA!

  10. Gainclone says:

    I killed a man just to watch it rain.

  11. Anonymous says:

    “Does not arouse suspicion” – Well, at least on rainy days.

  12. michaelportent says:

    I wonder how many outtakes there were on the session where they got the picture of the guy standing on it between two chairs.

    What I wouldn’t give to see him flailing backwards and falling on the floor.

  13. Fnarf says:

    I’m getting a John Steed vibe from this thing.

  14. kpkpkp says:

    Not so sure about the umbrella, but I am very interested in the “dress-right Teflon codpiece”

  15. Anonymous says:

    The “Unbreakable Umbrella” is just a regular brolly with a solid carbon fiber shaft, but that does make it *much* stronger and heavier than an ordinary umbrella.

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