Boing Boing Gadgets presents X-Maple pixel-flutter reduction block for PCIe

maplecard.jpg

We are not to be outdone by our competitors at HIC and their noise-reducing PCIe card.

The signal-regulating and noise dampening characteristics of our innovative innovation, carved from the finest extra virgin Carthaginian maple, allow pixels to appear at their most natural. Shading is radically improved, allowing a more expansive dynamic color range and superior definition. Here is a test for all you AMD and NVidia owners: try removing all the capacitors from your video card. You will be shocked by the result! The signature design of the BBG X-Maple will have an even greater effect. How does it work? Microvibrations cause incontegrity, demodulative leaching and, ultimately, pixel flutter. Bad vibrations! Bad! Trust the brain/eye convergence that you’ll experience with X-Maple.

For only $998.59 $998.50 – it’s yours.

About Rob Beschizza

Rob Beschizza is the Managing Editor of Boing Boing. He's @beschizza on Twitter and can be found on Facebook too. Email is dead, but you can try your luck at besc...@gmail.com
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16 Responses to Boing Boing Gadgets presents X-Maple pixel-flutter reduction block for PCIe

  1. shutz says:

    It renders Doom 3 perfectly (I’ve never seen richer, more luxurious blacks before) but for whatever reason, I can’t run any other games on this? Do I need to install Vista and DirectX 10 to get this card to work with my other games?

    Also, my house is infested with termites; should I be worried? Is there some kind of firewall or hardware abstraction layer I could install to protect my $998,50 investment?

  2. BCJ says:

    Um… what? So this is a block of wood?

  3. bardfinn says:

    I ordered one and hacked it in to my Mac Mini; Suddenly, Second Life became totally immersive! I’m writing this post in-game right now.

    TOTALLY WORTH IT

  4. mistercharlie says:

    Since buying this product I have become attractive to girls. In fact, I can’t beat them off with a stick (and believe me, I have tried. It’s tiring on the arms).

    I can’t recommend it more. The danceablity of the wood grain alone is worth the price.

  5. Halloween Jack says:

    I demand that my pixel-flutter reduction block be crafted only of the finest Corinthian leather. Also, it should hum Enya tunes in a soothing tone to help me sleep.

  6. nabru says:

    hehehe.. Wood…

  7. Enochrewt says:

    heh, I thought Corinthian leather when I read that too. As in the old Buick(Oldsmobile? cant’ remember) commercial featuring Ricardo Montelban.

  8. citykids says:

    @ Enochrewt: You were thinking of Chrysler,

    close though!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Will it work with my $499 Denon Cables?

  10. Enochrewt says:

    #13: That’s it! If you’re interested in seeing Ricardo Montelban lie to the public about non-existant leather click here. I don’t know how I remember this commercial, it aired like three months before I was born.

  11. Benny says:

    The form factor’s terrible, the wooden coloring doesn’t lend itself to my computer intersphere’s aethetics and frankly, is a distraction to proper computational Feng Shui. In fact, after I purchased two of these units and installed it into my single remaining PCI slot (after some snipping and soldering), I noticed a dramatic lack of performance in that my computer caught on fire and exploded, killing my wife and my dog. Now I’m just sitting here next to the train tracks, singing the technology robbed me of everything blues…

    Something slightly different: when are you guys gonna bring back the BBG super breakout treatment for insane PR quotes?

  12. Anonymous says:

    “Since buying this product I have become attractive to girls. In fact, I can’t beat them off with a stick (and believe me, I have tried. It’s tiring on the arms).”

    You need a better stick: http://www.gdvbs.cm

  13. Kaden says:

    Here we go again…another maple fanboy…

    Seriously, how much do they pay you guys to shill this crap to us, and how stupid do you think we are?? Maple’s OK for hobbyists, I suppose, particularly ones who’ve been blind since birth, or CMYKtards who get their opinions spoonfed to them by Crayola or any of the other ‘m’ leaning members of ‘Big Colour’. Those of us who take this subject *seriously* (and by that I mean ‘patriots, and people with more money than you’) know that traditional glacially petrified oak is the only way to ensure the shimmering, burnished clarity and pristinely occluded spaciality that characterizes ‘the real deal’.

    You know I’m right, but you’re too caught up in the hype to admit it.

    Go play with your toys, sheeple… I can’t be bothered trying to educate you any more.

  14. bat21 says:

    It’s better than bad. It’s good!

  15. Skep says:

    Gamers? Nooooo. This is a product for audiophiles.

    It is pretty clear that this amazing new product will give all your music better swing and pace, making it more danceable. The tuned frequency absorbing wood dampener increases the resolution and definition of your music, making sound fuller and richer. Use two for double the effect !

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