It gets cold in the great Alaskan forests. So cold that death feels warm. Cold does thing to a man: it pents up passions, creeps down hair follicles, makes the skin itch. It saps and drains. Even the most manly man — the lumberjack — must sometimes resort… on those bleak winter nights, as the frosty wind howls about him… to curling up into a fetal position to conserve warmth. Then, lubing up his great, bristly beard, he keeps it warm by cramming it deep up nature’s pocket. Jack Black Beard Lube. Fifteen bucks a bottle. Transparent. Won’t make a mess.