Subtle, attractive weaponry to appeal to every mild-mannered teenage boy

death-stalker.jpg

Every flabby, pallid junior high dork found himself, at one point or another, gravitating towards an awkward mulleted sociopath as their best friend. The kind of buddy who dressed in nothing but crusty heavy metal t-shirts and liked to show his camaraderie by enthusiastically punching you in the stomach when you least expected it, or answering your tremulously worshipful questions with phrases like “What, are you retarded or something, douche?” or “Way to homo it up, gaylord.” Ah, good times.

For me, my own personal friendship with a misanthropic sociopath lasted long into adult hood, when said friend rewarded me for my years of omega male devotion by giving me a lucrative job writing about gadgets for a living. But even now, when I go over to his Brooklyn house for a few beers and a never-ending gauntlet of Indian burns and purple nurples, we end the night bonding over what brought us together in the first place: his astonishing war cabinet full of flea market weaponry of the most extravagant and implausible design. Weapons to command not just fear, but respect.

“Check this out, d-bag,” my friend will say, fitting a scorpion shaped knife to his wrist and polishing the sterling silver skull face with a filthy rag. “I once killed, like, thirty ninjas with this little byoot.”

I’d always wondered where I could get such highly lethal knives. My friend was never forthcoming about his “connections”, though. But as it turns out, you no longer have to buy them from a brown-toothed amputee flying a Confederate flag behind his fold-out table at the local flea market. Instead, that same brown-toothed amputee will sell them to you for less than $35 each over the Internet. These are the real deal, just like assassins, ninjas and presidential body guards use. I’m buying, like, ten. Now we’ll see who the wussy d-bag is, Joel. Not me!

Insane Wrist Knives are Scary Cheap [Nerd Approved]

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13 Responses to Subtle, attractive weaponry to appeal to every mild-mannered teenage boy

  1. mujadaddy says:

    Wow, you must be quite the milquetoast if JOEL is your HeavyMetalMisanthrope friend. :P ;) …Douchebag.

  2. John Brownlee says:

    I just refuse to believe that weapons this refined and visually pleasing could in any way be shoddily constructed.

  3. DMcK says:

    But will it core a apple? (/Honeymooners)

  4. Mikey Likes BoingBoing says:

    Meh. I don’t see the attraction of this kind of crap — getting in touch with your “inner O.J.” I guess. Thanks but no thanks.

  5. LogrusZed says:

    Fuck, I was all set to go on a hate-rant about cheap swords and knives until I saw that the retailer has a Covenant Energy Sword.

    Want.

  6. Joel Johnson says:

    Your friend sounds awesome!

  7. Knife Knut says:

    Save your money and buy a real knife.
    “Scary” =/= Effective

  8. Banksynergy says:

    Reminds me of when I went to Hawaii and bought ninja stars and then the po-pos came into my apartment trying to bust my roommates for dealing weed but instead they just went through my backpack and they took MAH NINJA STARS. D:
    Well, I mean, it doesn’t really have anything to do with the main article, but I really like telling people that story ’cause it makes me seem hardcore or something.

  9. Avram says:

    I am so lucky these things didn’t exist when I was a kid. If they had, I probably wouldn’t have all ten fingers and both eyes today.

  10. Chris Tucker says:

    Two Words:

    Dethklok cosplay!

  11. SeppTB says:

    Word of warning from personal experience: I worked at a gift shop in a tourist town, and we actually sold this exact “weapon” (the scorpion one, didn’t have the others shown in the link.) The quality on them was laughable. Many of them shipped broken, or the boxes tore open during shipping and they got all scuffed up. That scorpion tail had a habit of either breaking off, or never fitting on correctly in the first place. The wooden plaques were sometimes decent, sometimes destroyed in shipping, and more than a few were missing the insert that contained the screws for actually mounting the “knife” on it. Of course we still made money selling the ones that were in decent enough shape to sell, the whole sale price on them being so disgustingly low in bulk.

    That said, the shipping from TrueSwords.com is probably better (Because it couldn’t really be worse!) and quality may have improved in the past few years. They certainly look cool and the steel itself was sturdy enough. Oh, but it sucked for cutting boxes open, not that we didn’t still use it for that exact purpose.

  12. Trent Hawkins says:

    I was in Prague this year sight seeing at a castle and in the village outside of it was a shop that sold literally hundreds of swords, knives and funky weapons like these for 20-50 USD each. I’d have bought some but then the airport security would have probably given me a thorough cavity search and destroyed my luggage :-(

  13. Trent Hawkins says:

    I was in Prague this year sight seeing at a castle and in the village outside of it was a shop that sold literally hundreds of swords, knives and funky weapons like these for 20-50 USD each. I’d have bought some but then the airport security would have probably given me a thorough cavity search and destroyed my luggage :-(

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