Taking all bets: how long will it take Joel to get an iPhone 3G?

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Joel has sworn up and down that he’s not going to buy an iPhone 3G today. “It can wait. The real hotness is 2.0″ and “I’m busy moving this week. Don’t have time.” A little more than a year ago, he made the same claim about the original iPhone: “I’m pretty happy with my current phone” and “I’m going to wait for 3G.”

How long did Joel’s reserve of willpower last? All it took was a single instant message from one Ms. Xeni Jardin proclaiming the iPhone “rad” to send him sprinting his flabby blogger’s frame down the block as he wildly tried to flag down a taxi, destination: “habbadegeebideeIPHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!”

Frankly, it was an embarrassment, and Joel should feel shame. Now it’s a year later. Joel’s considerably svelter, more confident. He has come up in the world. He’s a bettter, more dynamic man. Surely his resolve won’t wane so quickly this time. But in BBG‘s private channel, we can already see him sliding down that path again. Yesterday, Rob and I spent all day listening to him “review” iPhone 2.0 apps. There wasn’t a single one he didn’t refer to as “innovative” “amazing” or “game-changing.” This included such programs as tip calculators, die-rolling simulations and a virtual abacus.

So how long until Joel’s internal thought process goes something like this: “Man, that virtual abacus really is pretty dude. But imagine how much more wanktastic it would be with the power of 3G?”

My guess? If he gets to Saturday without one, he’s going to start seeing dead babies crawling on the ceiling.

We’re now taking all bets, measured in hours and minutes from the time the iPhone goes on sale this morning in Brooklyn. Soothsay in the comments! No fair guessing, Xeni.

Image: Bizarre first hit for ‘Joel Johnson’ in Flickr, courtesy of the great spaghetti communist, Camillo Miller

Update: Joel is emphatically denying he ever called either the virtual abacus or iPhone tipping calculator “innovative.” Needless to say, if true, this new information might add hours to the time it takes for Joel to crumple into a mess of primal, unthinking consumerist impulses. You should adjust your bets accordingly.

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21 Responses to Taking all bets: how long will it take Joel to get an iPhone 3G?

  1. strider_mt2k says:

    @John Brownlee: Oh…alright.

    Who would I be I to deny someone some new toy goodness?
    I’d be a monster, and I don’t want to be a monster.
    Not even the Cookie Monster, and as monsters go he’s not too bad.

    If one of these brings him a little joy and some fun the by all means, drink deep and be made joyful!

    Sorry I was a poop.

    Last day of vacation. It’s my only excuse. :(

  2. strider_mt2k says:

    Oh and I just got a new phone myself two days ago.
    (Samsung U-940)

    So I’m even sorrier for being a poop. :|

  3. Joel Johnson says:

    I did not call a virtual abacus innovative.

  4. jennfrank says:

    My guess was initially something like “negative thirty hours,” but then I looked at the calendar.

    Actually, no, I’m about to leave the house and get into line, since I figure I need to beat all those assholes who think they’re going to buy a phone before heading into their Pacific Standard offices. So for my own part I am hoping that the answer to ‘how long will it take Jenn to get an iPhone 3G,’ from store-opening on, is like an hour or so.

  5. strider_mt2k says:

    Tip calculator? Nice!

    14,000 more of those and it’ll be right up there with Palm OS!

    Just go get one Joel.
    Ignore my earlier unfortunate non-coffeed trollings and go get that one that’s waiting for you…

  6. Girl With A One Track Mind says:

    Good luck with getting one. It’s been a total fiasco here in the UK.

  7. mikeyboy says:

    he underestimates the POWER of the shiny robot turd. er, dark side.

  8. meerkat says:

    My guess is Tuesday the 15th.

    By that time this post will be long forgotten & that falls right after the traditional BBG Monday Night “Crazy” Tequila Bender – thus creating the perfect storm of excruciating hangover and forgotten promises…

  9. Lonin says:

    I’ll be the brave one and say he won’t get one, period.

    Don’t let me down Joel, I have $3000, a kidney and my first child’s umbilical cord riding on this.

  10. kfbest says:

    Ironically enough, I swore to my wife that I wasn’t going to get a 3G iPhone, but I am so close to driving to the closest AT&T and getting one. (Sigh) If there is anyone who is upgrading their first gen iPhone who wants to get some cash, I’ll buy that from them, it’d be easier to justify =)

    BTW does anyone know if the old iPhone plan would be available to me if I get the old iPhone? No way I’m paying $30 for data only…

  11. Anonymous says:

    my guess is that he’ll get one a full 2 hours after getting a mysterious text from violet blue….

  12. doggo says:

    8 hours in line says he waits until next week at the earliest. I’m finally in the Apple Store, sunburned, dehydrated, & exhausted. And looking at at least another hour waiting.

    History will call us the iPhone 3G martyrs/idiots.

  13. the_boy says:

    my guess? he has one already, and is hiding it

  14. mightymouse1584 says:

    2 days

  15. Green House Brand says:

    hmm… by 2:37 EST he will have it.

    5h 37m if they open the store at 9am

  16. Camillo Miller says:

    As the Dorkraft (Lovecraft Dork) I am, I can’t do but notice the similarity between the iPhone 3G and Narlyatothep.

    Don’t you get it? People in line just to see him, he came out of Egypt (astrological studies will surely demonstrate the relationship between the Three Pyramids and 1 Infinite Loop) and I think those two weird guys, dressed as egyptian peasants, speaking unknown languages down on their knees in front of the Apple Store’s Cube in Manhattan were fellahins…

    Or maybe it’s just those crazy early liners that finally blew their mind as a consequence of a serotonin shortage caused by the wait.

    Anyhow, I’m just hoping that when Cthulhu will call he’ll have email Push.

  17. Scuba SM says:

    I’m guessing he may last until the store opens Saturday morning. He’ll willfully ignore most of the news during the day, but around midnight, he’ll start reading user reviews, and unboxings. He’ll remain awake the rest of the night, and be waiting with his face pressed against the glass at the store.

  18. strider_mt2k says:

    Don’t be a tool.

    That is all.

  19. knutmo says:

    Come on! Be a tool!

  20. John Brownlee says:

    Oh, come now, Strider. The ribbing comes from love. Love! Also, the knowledge that if I didn’t have another year on my current cellphone contract, I’d be down at T-Mobile getting one myself.

  21. Benny says:

    So… is Joel wearing his 3G iphone as a cod piece, messaging everyone with overwhelming testicular fortitude yet?

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