Pizza cutting scissors profane in the eyes of the Pizza God

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Pizza purists will loudly revile the Pizza Pro, a strange merging of a spatula and a pair of scissors, which promises to allow you to cut a perfect slice and serve it with a single hand. It’s standard Sky Mall tat — the sort of gizmo that is supposed to get house wives to wonder how they ever lived without a Pizza Pro as they wait on the tarmac — and I find myself torn. On one hand, there’s something satisfying when I think about using scissors to cut a gooey mozarella pie. On the other hand, surely this pisses in the eye of the pizza cutting ritual, which demands a rotating cutter. And who eats pizza slices that daintily sized anyway? A slice of pizza should be the size of your head, like an immense wing torn off in spurts of grease from the crusty, bubbling flesh of the one true Pizza God.

Pizza Pro [Sky Mall via Random Good Stuff]

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16 Responses to Pizza cutting scissors profane in the eyes of the Pizza God

  1. Mithrandir says:

    Anyone ever see that old Stallone cop movie “COBRA”? In it he for some reason cuts off the tip of his slice of pizza with office scissors before he eats the slice.

    So there is a pizza/scissor precedent.

  2. Halloween Jack says:

    It also assumes a uniform pizza size. Made of fail.

  3. kpkpkp says:

    Pizza cutting demands neither a rotating cutter nor a single-job bastard spatula scissors tool.

    Pizza cutting demands a big knife.

    If you want to get fancy, get one of these:
    http://www.cheftools.com/prodinfo.asp?number=12-1227
    (useful if you want to cut the cheese too)

  4. Cpt. Tim says:

    “And who eats pizza slices that daintily sized anyway?”

    skinny people.

  5. wispsmoke says:

    Forget pizza cutting. It’s all about tearing the top off the pizza box after a late night delivery so that you and a friend can both have “plates”. If sky mall sold specialty scissors for that, the world would implode.

  6. long-orange-arms says:

    I love it, and this is so much easier than commenting on civil liberties.

  7. proto says:

    Augh! The heresy! The blasphemery!

    Pizza cannot be cut with mere scissors!

    Pizza, in it’s proper deep dish form, must be levered from deep brick ovens (preferably in a suburb of Chicago) by bulky, broad-shouldered men. It requires the the full strength of a buxom waitress to heft, sturdy furniture on which to rest, serious implements and muscular exertion to cut, husky people to consume.

    Scissors could never overcome the gooey cheese, the viscid toppings — why, the thickness of its pepperoni alone would stymie the shearing forces.

    This thing looks like it was designed for. . . Europeans?

  8. ROSSINDETROIT says:

    Look at the size and shape of that mutant kitchen tool. Who has the kind of space to store something that big that only does one function?

  9. Moon says:

    Us skinny people still eat the WHOLE DAMN PIZZA. We’re skinny because we walk everywhere and work out once in a while!!!

    Get rid of your car, and YOU will be skinny too!

  10. cubey says:

    This thing is so, so wrong. Besides the fact that cutting pizza with scissors makes the baby Jesus cry and probably the Flying Spaghetti Monster too, it’s just not very practical. To start cutting, you need to get the scissors’ lower blade under the pizza. This presents a couple of difficulties: first, while a pizza is still in the box, the box edges will get in the way; second, as you lift the pizza over the blade, the hot cheese and sauce will slip downhill, which ruins the pizza.

  11. nerdler says:

    People still eat pizza? That’s so cute.

  12. tinyhonkshus says:

    Moon- there are plenty of people who walk a lot and work out “once in a while” who aren’t skinny. I’m sick of people taking credit for what genetics is handing them.

  13. Joel Johnson says:

    They sell round pizzas now?

  14. gwax says:

    Look, I don’t know about the rest of you folks, but I’ve cut pizza with scissors quite a few times and it works really well.

  15. Moon says:

    Pizza cutting demands neither a rotating cutter nor a single-job bastard spatula scissors tool.

    Pizza cutting demands a big knife.

    If you want to get fancy, get one of these:
    http://www.cheftools.com/prodinfo.asp?number=12-1227
    (useful if you want to cut the cheese too)

    Except if your pizza pan has a lip on it. Then that doesn’t work. I use a “rocker knife” – it works pretty well. Alaskans call it an “ulu”, I think.

  16. Moon says:

    Look, I don’t know about the rest of you folks, but I’ve cut pizza with scissors quite a few times and it works really well.

    I’ve done it, too. It does work OK, but it’s only to be used in emergency situations, like when you forgot to put yeast in the dough! D’oh!!

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