Top X: Fruity game intros

Forget the best or worst. When it comes to video game intros, the real art is found in bad taste, lunacy and maniacal incompetence. While it's common to see playful kitsch in the movies that introduce games--perhaps a sign of a maturing medium--it's the unintentional fruit that tastes sweetest. Soul Edge "A tale of souls and swords, eternally retold," the narrator says. And then the music begins. To love! To shine! We all need to shine on, to see how far we've come on our journey/How far yet to go-oh-oh-oh! Pit Fighter Everything memorable about 1980s martial arts culture, in 30 seconds. Final Fight CD Newly elected mayor and former streetfighter takes on crime – with the gravitas of an Interflora sales rep. "Hello, Mike Haggar here!" Megarace 2 Humor that fails so hard it creates a wormhole right back to success. And when you're done with Lance Boyle in English, get him in German. Deus Ex In the future, everyone in government will wear leather three-piece suits and discuss plans for world domination like antidepressed house-husbands sharing their experiences with irritable bowel syndrome. Bonus: A bomb! Quarantine One is not a badass until one has eaten a lettuice and tomato breakfast bagel. Metal Combat "The oil came alive. The sludge oil came aliiiiiive. Big greasy sludge oil was pissed off," etc. Resident Evil "Have you found it yet?" "No, I haven't found it yet." Einhander In the grim future of video toaster city, people will notice that things may be "Einhander-shaped." System Shock 1:40 a.m. – Hacker visits lavatory. "There may be a neural-grade interface in it for you!" If you've got a suggestion for the Salon de la me... Fine. Fine. Here's Zero Wing: Add your favorite in the comments!

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17 Responses to Top X: Fruity game intros

  1. zuzu says:

    What, all those and no WipEout 2097 intro? c’mon, how often to you get cyberpunk game designs by The Designers Republic? (The same crew who did the complete design treatment for Funkstörung with Appetite for Disctruction.)

  2. jbang says:

    #7: Hardly fruity, but most awesome.

    The TDR do / did 75% of Warp Records cover art, including ome awesome work for Autechre. They also do their website and overall graphic ID.

  3. willibro says:

    @ #4:

    “..a bunch of japanese people in black face running around saying “OH RAWRDY…

    Whoah, doube ethnic insult in a single sentence fragement. Dude/ette, you have both my admiration and LULZ!

  4. pork musket says:

    I’m a fan of the intro to Double Dragon. Some thugs walk up and punch your girlfriend and carry her off, and then you start fighting.

  5. zuzu says:

    #7: Hardly fruity, but most awesome.

    Totally; I forgot this thread was intended for fruity intros after watching the System Shock one.

    “There may be a neural-grade interface in it for you!”

    Military-grade neural interface… it actually makes sense as it’s stated in the video. It’s basically a riff on so-called “military-grade” encryption — i.e. strong crypto (when DJB was litigating that software must not be subject to munitions exportation regulations).

  6. A New Challenger says:

    The Street Fighter II intro is short but sweet, with a fight ending after one punch. Also, the guys fighting aren’t even in the game proper.

    I guess it’s not terribly fruity, but it’s an iconic one.

  7. gwax says:

    Cheesy intro dialogue aside, Einhander is an amazingly good scrolling space shooter.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Man, say what you will, but System Shock is one of the greatest games of all time. Just an absolute joy to play.

  9. necorium says:

    oh man i’m itching to play Quarantine again now.. god i loved that game. Haven’t thought about it for years.

  10. willibro says:

    The Deus Ex features some pretty amazing retro-future conspiracy cut-up word salad: “Reframe the haversham. Bebop the ethical intelligence. Terminate Thomas Aquinas the primary.” William Burroughs must have been very proud of his influence here.

  11. thefoodgeek says:

    I’ve seen the Soul Edge video dozens of time (I worked in the industry at the time, and the animation was amazing, so we used it for inspiration). In all those dozens of time, I can’t say that I had ever actually heard the words. How remarkable.

  12. dculberson says:

    @Pork, I came here to mention exactly that intro.

  13. selfsimilar says:

    Possibly the least-playable game I’ve ever tried – Machinehead by Eidos. –

    Orville “The Gimp” versus the Southern Belle MIT physicist. It’s like The Residents “Bad Day at the Midway” animation only worse, and campier.

  14. Not a Doktor says:

    Pit Fighter: makes Mortal Kombat look reasonably realistic. I love (as in adore) the three frame audience.

    Final Fight CD: I don’t remember the Mad Gear crew being that femm.

    Megarace 2: Is Lance Boyle a 2nd rate Riddler cosplayer?

    Deus Ex: they could of saved some money and just use Apple RealTalk instead. Or did they?

    /edit Deus remix: Using Apple RealTalk is a finance saver. Finance is dually important, in multiple areas. It is basis of life and economy.

    Quarantine: For 45 seconds it was cool; after that the extra 1:30 made me realize that exterior shots of a back-lit car are not.

    Metal Combat: So you die and comeback as multiple metal skeletons, so you can . . . just impale and destroy yourself?

    Resident Evil: I LOVE THE RE LIVE ACTION COSPLAY. I wish all the later ones had that, but I could see the upcoming RE5 being a problem; a bunch of japanese people in black face running around saying “OH RAWRDY SAMBO IS TE INFECTED”

    Also Albert Wesker will always be known to me as the evil Max Headroom.

    I think you may just have to have to deddicate a post for this gem

  15. Habits says:

    No love for Forsaken?

    I guess that’s more unintentional cheese, but perhaps it could go with the fruit. Sort of a summery appetizer platter thing.

  16. Enochrewt says:

    I laugh so hard every time I see the Zero Wing intro, so classic.

    I was going to mention Double Dragon as well. Why are the heroes hiding behind the garage door while the girlfriend gets carried away? (showing panty no less)

    And I haven’t actually played it yet, but I’ve seen the intro movie to Soul Caliber 4, and it’s just as super cheesy as the first one.

  17. thepixelpuncher says:

    Snatcher is a cyberpunk-themed adventure game

    5:44 is when the dialogue picks up my favorite is the narration

    Gillian Seed estimated age 31
    Three years ago he and his wife Jamie Seed are taken in to protective custody in the Siberian neutral zone by the 17th Siberian investigative force; both Gillian and Jamie suffer from severe amnesia their memories of events prior to being picked up in Siberia, lost in a mysterious mental fog. Two years ago after a vain attempt to rebuild their marriage Jamie and glean separate following extensive special military training Gillian is ordered to report to Neo-Kobe city as a Junker, effective today.

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