As a blogger, I have many enemies. Perhaps you’re one, spelling out your hate for me along the nanoangstroms of your mind. There are thousands like you, from the anonymous Alcatel PR guy shooting sparks off his fillings as he considers the affront of my headline “Alcatel Playboy phone not even good for masturbators” enjoying an inexplicably prominent Google rank, to the anonymous commenter who is secretly my mother calling me a moron. You are in good company.
Consequently, I’ve woken up in horror on more than one occasion to find myself cuddled up the steaming decapitated melon of some livestock that an enemy I didn’t even know existed had surreptitiously tucked into my bed. It’s a danger of the trade: the Valleywag guys are always complaining about it, although they have developed a certain taste for headcheese over the last few years… a more gastronomic peril of the “biz.”
I wonder, then, if this Godfather style horse head pillow might be a good buy at only $45. Perhaps it could work as a preventive device for the man with many enemies, whether a hot-shot Hollywood producer flipping off the mob or a certain kind of Internet smart ass. It sends a strong message to the sociopathic home intruder who sneaks into your bedroom at night with a dripping sack: “Hey look, this guy loves this stuff. Well, I’ll be hornswaggled! What to do now?” And in that moment of confusion, that’s when Humbert Humbird swoops in, going for the eyes as the righteous parakeet avatar of my vengeance.