Gamer Grub: indiscriminate snack chunks in fist bucket

gamer_grub.jpg

Gamers aren’t always the picture of health. I know: I’m stereotyping. But I’ve also spent countless evenings at LAN parties or over at friends’ playing Rock Band cramming my face with corn chips and pizza bound together with liquid mountain sunshine. Gaming doesn’t exactly lend itself to a healthful, sit-down eating experience.

Hence, snack food, of which our culture is happy to provide in increasingly convenient form as we shamble toward our destiny: implanted Cheetos-brand Snack Glands.

Until then, Biosilo would like to cater to a very specific niche with its Gamer Grub snacks: gamers who have enough disposable cash to buy specialized mail-order snack food but are too lazy to just run down to the corner and buy some chips.

But Gamer Grub isn’t just empty calories! Each of the four flavors include Vitamins A, E, B3, C, Magnesium, Choline, and L-Glutamic acid, the better to keep the brain sharp — in theory.

My guess is that the sugar will help more than anything. If it has sugar, that is. I’m having a hard time actually figuring out what this food is supposed to be, as the four flavors — Action Pizza, Racing Wasabi, Sports PB&J and Strategy Chocolate — all imply, to me, a different type of snack. My tongue is seizing when imagining a dire substrate that can support both chocolate or pizza.

Gamer Grub isn’t on sale yet, but expect to see it languishing on shelves by 2009. I find their entire marketing notion to be insulting, but I’ll give them the same advice my theoretical time-travelling self told Bawls before they launched their soda for gamers: make it delicious — and make it full of drugs.

Gamer Grub product page [GamerGrub.com]

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22 Responses to Gamer Grub: indiscriminate snack chunks in fist bucket

  1. Anonymous says:

    “Action Pizza” and “Strategy Chocolate”? How about “MMORPG Intravenous Drip”?

  2. Lonin says:

    “The Stig’s name derives from presenter Jeremy Clarkson’s days at Repton School; where, according to Clarkson, new students were always called ‘Stig’.”

    Now, why they were called “Stigs” is another matter entirely.

  3. dculberson says:

    I guess those might sell better than the more truthful “Layabout Pizza” and “Sluglike Chocolate.”

    Though I must admit that Rock Band keeps me moving: you’re just BETTER at guitar when you’re standing, thrashing about like a moron. And the drums are outright exhausting. But I tend to fuel all night Rock Band sessions with nothing but beer, so I doubt that balances out in the end.

  4. Ghede says:

    I dunno, this sounds pretty good. From the look of the ingredients page, it looks like a flavored snack mix. The Action Pizza lists “Mozzarella Peanuts” as an ingredient.

  5. A New Challenger says:

    Dire Substrates is my favorite band.

  6. claud9999 says:

    The important question is, can you open the container, slug back some “snack” pieces, and close it all with one hand? Far too many junk food containers require the use of both hands…

  7. Hanglyman says:

    Gamers do hate being pandered to, and these are even worse than that… things like Gamer Grub and that Game Fuel from Mountain Dew almost treat gamers as a separate species, as though they can’t eat and drink the same stuff as regular humans- they need something specifically designed for them, the way dogs need dog food.

    The naming is also patronizing and insulting. There are a lot of other foods designed for specific demographics, but they’re not named things like “Woman Chow” or “Food, but for Old People”, are they?

  8. pop222flygirl says:

    @HANGLYMAN:
    Curious – exactly why is the name all that insulting to your personally? Did it communicate something truly offensive? It’s similar to all other snacks out there. What exactly does “Cheetos” mean to you? Is that saying something more likeable to you?

    With regards to your comment about creating product/company names for a specific target group, what really is the big deal? Many companies do so – did you ever think about Weight Watchers? Should the folks that are on the Weight Watchers program (or considering it) all of sudden get offended by the fact that the company may be insinuating that people are “fat”?

  9. Lonin says:

    The “Racing Wasabi” flavor uses a drawn copy of a picture of The Stig. It’s straight from this image: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:TopGearStig.jpg.

    “Some say he graces the outside of Gamer Grub Racing Wasabi snack food. All we know is… he’s called The Stig.

  10. Not a Doktor says:

    I’m sure this will FAIL because gamerz hate being pandered to. Unless they play halo then they’ll be happy to take anything that came through the glory hole.

  11. Lea Hernandez says:

    “implanted Cheetos-brand Snack Glands.”

    My Unicorn Gland just released Chaser into my bloodstream to get that horrible image out of my mind.

  12. tylersweeney says:

    perhaps futurama was more spot on than we first figured; this looks like the stepping stone for bachelor chow.

  13. Enochrewt says:

    #12: Your link is broken, It includes the period of the sentence. And nice catch, that is The Stig for sure.

    I’ve always wanted a job as The Stig, you get a cool helmet, drive awesome cars, and you don’t have to talk to anyone.

  14. didymos says:

    “My tongue is seizing when imagining a dire substrate that can support both chocolate or pizza”

    It’s probably the same unholy cracker-like thing that is used in Pringles Stix. That can manage pizza and vanilla (separately, of course).

  15. Jo says:

    I can’t think of a reason to let this product anywhere near my digestive system, but I must thank the branding hacks for the phrases “action pizza” and “strategy chocolate.”

    I may have to rename my iPod, or something.

  16. Halloween Jack says:

    If it’s not a parody, I’m sure that Think Geek will carry it.

  17. Joel Johnson says:

    Holy shit! It *is* The Stig. Now I want some.

    I tried to do a Clarkson intro but failed.

    “We just call him The Stig.”

    P.S. What is a stig? Is it a thing? Do I need to be British to know what it is?

  18. Lea Hernandez says:

    Wait, there’s no “RPG PoopSock?”

  19. OM says:

    “Mommmmmmmm! More Hot Pockets!”

  20. Nasty says:

    Where’s the B12 to fight carpal tunnel? Forget this crap..

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