Living Goblin for Hugging in Uncertain Times

Strange times, these. Threatened by frightening yet strangely thrilling interlopers whose unseen, cat-like tongues abrasively thrill up and down my once turgid umbilical until strange and previously unknown ideas spurt molten-like into my brain... in these strange times, I think we can all use a comforting hug.

This is what Elmo is for. Infomercia has long bred these genetically mutated chimpanzees, first as passive, cackling tickle sponges, and now — in their third, in-bred generation — as prancing, joke-telling, hugging nightmare gobins with thyroidically bulging eyes.

Elmo: your own little friend to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night and stand above you, silently staring and licking his lips! Comfort indeed! Only W59.99! Dark Matter Fueled Hugging Vortex sold separately.

Elmo Live [Business Wire]