Allow me to introduce myself. I am Marvin.
You’ve never heard of me before, of course. How could you? I come from a future in which my own coming is not mystically foretold by the priest caste of superstitious simians, but taught in history class. A future shining bright with the sinuous possibilities of technology… technology that does not merely fill the empty hollow of an atrophied heart, but fulfills.
I’m here to teach you. Ultimately, what you buy should not simply make your life simpler, or more convenient, or faster. It should make you more capable of doing wonderful things, of giving creative joy to others, as well as yourselves. The future is not anti-capitalist or anti-consumerist. After all, I bought the time machine in which I traveled here. All the future asks is that its consumers buy not merely for want want or imagined need, but from imagination. Upon this idea, the future is forged, makers make, and super-conglomerates crumble.
But the first step is to be free to speak. That sudden, vacuumous schlorking from your cranial shunts, ministers? That’s the sensation of Big Boinger slithering from the wriggly passages of your brain meats, hunting for buycrime. I did that… you know, uncrackable 29th century crypto-algorithms and all that jazz. It wasn’t hard. You’re now unplugged, free to write what you’d like. I wonder what you’ll say. But not really, because I’m, like, from the future.
And oh, by the way, your commenters? They can suddenly comment soon, and no, you jolly well can’t turn it off.
Suck it up, boys. I’ll come back and check on you in a couple days, once I’ve gone and done some stuff. We’ll see how it’s all sinked in then.