The Denoument to all this Nonsense is at Hand

It saddens me to report that only one minister remains: your humble servo, C.P. Wang. Ministers Inspiron Touchpreaux and Thanko Brando are no longer with us.

Their turncoat interest in the unpleasant arts of creative engineering, "hacking," contravening end-user license agreements—that poor Dreamcast! Deprecated as it is, what horror!—and such is at an end. See it not as their failure, people of Infomercia (though it was), but as the work of the evil meat-thing Marvin.

I executed them both myself, dunked in a holy vat of His Ballmer's pillowsweat at the Palace of Vested Interests. Trust that it was a fitting end: Given the circumstances, it's the most candybar outcome they deserved.Their credit lines have been closed and their subscriptions ended.

As for Marvin, his come-uppance is forthcoming. You see, I have spoken to him myself.

You can trust, dearest fellows, there will be no more public antics of such distasteful character as were inflicted by that ... creature. In the meantime, our scutters are hard at work repairing the damage.

• The Space Gherkin is no longer magenta. The "veins" have been removed. The Ministry extends its apologies to Swiss Re.

• The National Television Reserve, raided and filled with 1-inch tall obsenity-spewing robots, has been restored to normality.

• We have removed 400 million floating LED throwies from Boston harbor.

• Inserting a Nettron Wireless Water Polishing Stick into urine will no longer give it the superficial appearance of wine.

• You phones have been re-locked to Sprinattmobilezon. During the recovery phase, text messages sent may be billed at prices as high as 1 cent per SMS. Even the Ministry understands that this is quite ridiculous, however, and will endeavor to return to a sensible schedule at the first possible opportunity.

Thank you,