Competition: Invent a new law to apply to Apple-Psystar case
World of Apple's Dizzle again excoriates bloggers for making things up based on their misunderstandings of legal minutiae.
AppleInsider went so far as to state: "Last month, it was reported that Apple and Psystar had agreed to pursue a mediated settlement to their legal dispute, a move which now seemingly been aborted."This is, bluntly, false.
Dizzle's last smackdown was of TechSpot, which reported the arbitration process as Apple and Psystar deciding to "settle out of court."
In honor of his efforts, here is a mini-competition for the comments: "Invent a new law that affects the Apple-Psystar case to humorous effect."
The winner will receive a Mugen Pop Pop Infinite Bubble Popping Keychain with Surprise Sound Effects.
the latest
latest episodes
All cases must be adjusted to match the blog posts about them.
Approximately every 200 days Apple lawyers must don black turtlenecks and, after listening to a selection of Beatles and Gorillaz tunes, present a new version of the case against Psystar. The new case must contain fewer pages and be presented in a smaller portfolio than the previous version, possibly with rounded edges. Bonus points if the entire portfolio is made from a single tree.
Psystar as part of any settlement is barred from making any fruit related marketing ads and Apple must make a trendy 5th ave. style building for Psystar out of nuked-via-firmware-update Psystar computers.
Given that Psystar is based out of Florida they really should adopt an Orange logo.
House Bill 1982.255: Psystar is forced to adopt electronic overtones to their voice and speak only in short basic phrases such as "I am Psystar!" and "Beware, Apple!" If they file bankruptcy at the exact same moment that Apple gets an injunction, they get 255 more attempts to survive litigation.
A BILL
Entitled "Down with The Hypocrisy"
Introduced this Fourth of November for passage in the BoingBoingGadgets Cameral for consideration;
Apple, Inc., hereafter referred to as the Respondent, shall, hereunto and henceforth, forgo and forfeit any and all Intellectual Property rights to the piece of music, as bundled with their products, entitled "Sosumi".
A moment ago Psystar invoked the writ of habeas ambergris, sending both legal teams scurrying out of the courtroom and dispersing into the city streets in search of the mysterious and aromatic phenomena. A little-known and infrequently used legal action, habeas ambergris provides dibs on what dramatic music will play during settlement arguments to the side which produces the largest and most pleasant-smelling pile of whale-matter to the courtroom.
Hey can I enter? I have been reading enough complete miscontruals that I could come up with some howlers I am sure.
BTW, it really isn't minutae that I have excoriated. It is Federal Legal Procedure 101. Now when I pointed out that Psystar's attorneys misspelled "Mac" in one their pleadings (yes they did), that was minutae. But the other stuff was IMHO just ignorant reporting. There are some subjects that those not in the field should leave alone. Lord knows, I have to learn that lesson continually.
Oh, and I am a chick not a dude. :)
Arbitration will be carried out via a You Don't Know Jack style trivia contest featuring questions about known issues with Microsoft products.
After Apple forced Psystar into an "out of court" decision to "protect their intellectual property rights and super-secret proprietary technology" Apple's lawyers persuaded the Supreme Court to pass a law stating: "All new computers manufactured from this point on must contain killswitches that render the hardware useless piles of plastic, aluminum and silicon. This includes Macs, PCs, cars, microwaves, phones, watches, Furbys, voting machines, and any other device that uses a computing device. The Big Red Button master killswitch shall be grafted to Steve Jobs' skin, using galvanic receptors to monitor his vitality."
When Jobs goes, so does the entire computing and technological industries.
Psystar must cease and desist all activities related to the distribution of Apple intellectual property rights, except for a new facility built at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where no rights are recognized.
The United States government will be granted a non-voting amount of shares in Psystar stock as part of a new venture by the NSA into home computers for mass consumers, which they assure us will have no hidden watchdog applications. A percentage of future revenue from Psystar will supplement the budget of the Department of Homeland Security.
"Apple Computers and Steve Jobs are now outlawed. The bombings will commence in five minutes."
Psystar is allowed to continue to run Apple's proprietary software in exchange for the rights to Psystar's recently acquired operating system trademarks; "Maine Coon", "Sassy Tabby" and "Liger".
Thou shalt hold no false Apple before me.
Erm, wait... I think that one's been done before.
The use-it-or-lose-it precendent was established when the auto industry was found to have a 3000MPG engine that they had refused to market, but sued a competitor for patent infringement.
Since Apple refuses to sell a copy of the OS without the hardware, it is priceless, ergo worth $0 and Psystar is in the clear.
(Really, I wish this was true -- I am so sick of companies defending their right to NOT produce a procuct)
Psytar's logo shall be changed to a snake and a couple of fig leaves. Apple shall henceforth be required to glue the casings of all future products shut.
The theory of "cooling a hot device, such as an electrical component, using a fan" shall be accredited to Microsoft and the patent for "Moving electrons in a metal substrate to achieve work" will be awarded to Sony, who will then both be entitled to a share of every item ever made, anywhere.
Who won?