By selecting from a rainbow of felty flesh tones, bulbous noses, jutting thyroidic button eyes, flapping mouth shapes and appalling fashion choices, FAO Schwartz will allow you to create your very own likeness in Muppet form, then sell it to you for $90 as a “Muppet Whatnot.”
It’s all terribly neat. To the right, behold Beschizza’s Muppet Doppelganger. Beschizza is quintessentially British, and I think — short of ripping the teeth out of a decaying horse and cramming them into this Muppet’s mouth — I’ve found his perfect likeness, right down to the grotesque plaid blazer, the green pallor of the hungover binge drinker and the dropsied Liverpudlian eyelids. I can’t wait until it arrives, so I can prance around BBG headquarters with my hand up its backside, lispily rattling off Beschizza-isms in a shrieking castrati falsetto as Bobert himself quietly arranges a noose for himself in the supply closet, reflecting upon the glory of Empire.
The Muppet Whatnnot Workshop [FAO Schwartz]