Perhaps the most irritating thing about sharing a bedroom with a snorer is their invariable insistence that you are lying That you shake them awake every hour throughout the night, not because they’ve disturbed your sleep, but because you delight in disturbing theirs. That the bloodshot yolks of your eyes in the morning and the pendulous sacks of grey flesh that underhang them are simply the cosmetic props of your plot to undermine their self-esteem. That there are more effective ways to harass and humiliate the oneiric — whether a hand dipped in a bowl of water or simply by covering them in millipedes as they sleep — never seems to occur to the snorer, It’s enough to want to cure them of snoring the only surefire way: with a pillow.
The SnorePro is a device that attempts to supplant spousal smothering as the method of last resort for curing the chronic snorer. It has two primary functions. The first is that it measures your snoring and sends a mild electric shock every time it catches you somnambulently trying to suck the skin off your own face. But better: it actually records you when you snore, presumably proving once and for all that you actually have a problem.
If that works, it’s great, but I’ve shared beds with girls who snored so much they spit up ceiling tiles the next morning, who still invariably denied that they would ever do anything so unladylike. I’m betting the electroshock treatment is the surer bet.