Monitor the quality of your erection with the EQM

The Erectile Quality Monitor is a small device that will measure the turgidity of your manhood and alert you through a system of color-coded LEDs whether or not you are ready for action and to what degree. I love it: not only is the chart uncomfortably descriptive — "penetration possible with help of hand" — but the whole device ignores the male phallus' own in-built color coding system for alerting you to the throbbing, veiny status of your virility: purple, red, pink, white.

Erectile Qualiy Monitor [Fast Size via Gizmodo]

[#1 posted by zuzu , December 5, 2008 9:06 AM]

If you're of African decent and your dong has turned white, seek medical attention.

[#2 posted by RedShirt77 , December 5, 2008 9:11 AM]

If the light turns purple that means you are Mace Windu.

[#3 posted by mujadaddy , December 5, 2008 9:20 AM]

It....doesn't say what it's measuring... just to press it against your dick.

...

Um...

[#4 posted by zuzu , December 5, 2008 9:21 AM]

s/decent/descent

[#5 posted by jgrassick , December 5, 2008 10:08 AM]

What is the ideal tea-stirring turgidity?

[#6 posted by nehpetsE , December 5, 2008 10:35 AM]

I see Mork bursting in on Mindy, triumphantly shrieking nanoonanoo, wearing one of these, lights throbbing with alien 1980s technolgy.

[#7 posted by dculberson , December 5, 2008 11:06 AM]

Sounds like the beginning to some stellar fanfic.

[#8 posted by Bloodboiler , December 5, 2008 11:24 AM]

Finally a device that makes it possible to compete on something other than length or girth.

[#9 posted by mdh , December 5, 2008 1:57 PM]

I figured the "little blue" light would be the best one. I guess this isn't made by Pfizer?

[#10 posted by Scuba SM , December 5, 2008 2:29 PM]

The units on the table are grams... I am horribly confused. I'm also of the opinion that if you don't know how to operate the equipment, you shouldn't be playing with it in the first place.

[#11 posted by Skep , December 5, 2008 7:12 PM]

@Scuba SM:

Yes, it is in grams. This is nothing more than a gimmicky scale that measures the force in grams that it takes to visually bend the penis.

From the seller's site via Giz:

Once you obtain an erection via your stimuli of choice, simply place the head of the penis against the pressure sensor of the device and apply pressure towards the body for a count of 5 seconds or until the penis inflects (bends). At this point a reading will flash on one of the LED indicator lights, reflecting the quality of that erection. Use this same method each time you test to help ensure accurate results.

You could do this with a postal scale--er, or you could just use a more subjective measurement...

...and, of course, this method of measuring the "quality" of an erection will give different results with different shapes and lengths, even given the same blood pressure.

[#12 posted by Secret_Life_of_Plants , December 5, 2008 11:05 PM]

It almost follows the Terror Alert color code, except that it is obviously Viagra drug-rep to Dr. Swag.

[#13 posted by Jack , December 6, 2008 12:46 AM]

No woman would ever look at this without laughing.

[#14 posted by semiotix , December 6, 2008 1:55 PM]

No, you monitor the quality of your erection with the EQM!

Jeez! I'm so sick of the internet telling me what to do with my penis!

[#15 posted by Chris L , December 7, 2008 6:40 AM]

This is only useful if it comes a booming computer voice that announces "OUTSTANDING ERECTION!"

[#16 posted by Chris L , December 7, 2008 6:52 AM]

I meant to say "comes with" not just, uh, "comes."

You know what? Lets just forget I ever used the word "comes" in the first place. (Stop saying "comes." ...damnit)

[#17 posted by myfrmboz , December 7, 2008 4:37 PM]

LOL ... Attention for wives out there ....
Get yourself one of this gadget to try so you know how strong your husbands erection ... (Just Joking)

[#18 posted by Gary61 , December 8, 2008 12:31 PM]

er, they don't use any of those Sony batteries ... y'know, the ones that catch fire?
Just askin' .....