CUPERTINO, CA. – Rumors spread Tuesday that Apple CEO Steve Jobs might be in excellent health, rattling investors and contradicting widely-held industry belief. Stocks fell four percent in afternoon trading at the prospect of the company receiving less attention from rubber-necked bloggers.
The news unleashed a fresh round of speculation among Apple fans that Mr. Jobs, long thought to be fading fast, may in fact be in tip-top condition.
In a hastily-arranged conference call, Apple vice president of corporate communications Katie Cotton insisted that Jobs is at death’s door. Cotton reminded reporters that he was recently introduced on-stage with a graphic depicting his own tombstone and the legend “1955-Soon!”
In 2005, however, Jobs was spotted leaping three feet into the air to forecfully slam-dunk a basketball at a private charity event in Denver. Several months ago, he was observed in his Mercedes S-Type several blocks from a Santa Clara MacDonalds, eating and conspicuously enjoying an Angus Third Pounder with Mushroom and Swiss.
Analysts fear that continuing reports indicating Jobs’ continued well-being may take a serious toll on the technology sector.
Dennis Purland, industry analyst with Miros Associates, said that no-one would be pleased by the idea of Jobs being footloose and fancy-free, except Mr. Jobs.
“This would explain why Apple pulled out of next month’s MacWorld Expo in San Francisco,” Purland said. “A resurgent leadership at the company might not wish to be associated with a failing conference fed by a moon-eyed fanbase that it has never wanted and no longer sees any reason to cultivate.”
Purland suggested that Jobs may step back from his daily duties at Apple to make way for a successor, around whom a new cult of personality could be constructed and then profitably smashed amid a thicket of vague, unsourced rumors.
Other insiders suggested that the flimsy reports may indicate more about the state of reportage than the health status of a world-leading CEO.
Vern Dourff, an analyst with Essengen, said: “If anonymous sources were privy to medical information protected under federal HIPAA regulations, you’d think they’d get a damned product rumor right once in a while.”
“Yeah, Bozo’s out of a job all right… because he died this past summer. Are you firing on any cylinders today?”
…Now *that* I was not aware of. I’d have included his passing in my Obit List on OMBlog had I known about it. When WGN was carrying the Bozo Show, I managed to catch it at least once or twice a week during the last few years it was on, thanks to a work sked that didn’t require me to be in “on time”. If you’ve got an obit link to pass on, I’d appreciate it.
…And no, I don’t run on cylindars at all. I possess one of the few Wankel Rotary Engines that actually works. So nyah
Steve Jobs is vegan? no wonder he looks so sick.
@Om;
Yeah, Bozo’s out of a job all right… because he died this past summer. Are you firing on any cylinders today?
OM, so bitter.
This just in – 30 Gigabyte Zunes all over the world have been freezing up
Steve Jobs probably sucked the life out of them to power his digital soul.
Me Bizarro think this am not funny!
So not only is Steve Jobs a multi – billionaire, but he loses weight without even trying. Can someone please remove the horseshoe from his butt?
@EMMAW “As if they’ve been doing their job lately!”
God, tell me about it…
Aw, OM, you forgot to use the word “fanbois”!
crApple? So witty! Fresh, too!!
This is obviously a prolonged setup for the release of iSteve, after which we’re all fucked.
Hey, you’d be bitter like OM too if you had to spend everyday working with ugly-ass, kludgy Windows systems.
Well done Bob, well done. However, Steve eats no burgers: he’s a vegan.
Seriously though, the mortal heath of a founder and longtime CEO is seriously material information, which Apple would be required to report to investors. If Apple really has been hiding the fact that Steve is at death’s door, a lot of people at Apple would be in big BIG trouble with the ornery folks at the SEC.
…You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if Jobs himself concocted this “I’m gonna die soon” scam as a PR stunt to rabble the rouses and the (cr)Apple geeks.
I doubt the credibility of this story. There is no “Mercedes S-Type”, it’s either Mercedes S-Class or Jaguar S-Type. Conclusion: Jobs is gravely ill.
The real Steve Jobs has been cryonically preserved for some time now. This is the replicant of Steve Jobs, like the CEO replicant of Dr. Eldon Tyrell. He was made as well as they could make him, but not to last.
>Apple would be in big BIG trouble with the ornery folks at the SEC.
As if they’ve been doing their job lately!
iBurl: Hey, I resent that remark! I manage to get bitter with the help of Linux, too. (Not because it’s ugly and kludgy, although it’s almost certainly that, but because I am always reaching beyond my understanding of it.)
Only in America do you look up to an innovator with such praise coupled with an infectious desire to see his demise.
…In order – or is that odor?
“OM, so bitter”
…(cr)Apple is a bitter fruit in this case.
“Aw, OM, you forgot to use the word “fanbois”!”
…”(cr)Apple Geeks” is probably closer to being accurate, and doesn’t sound French.
“(cr)Apple? So witty! Fresh, too!!”
…Sorry, I coined that term back when the Macs first came out, and the simple act of loading a word processor required something like a hundred and seven floppy swaps just to load the fucking program. Between that and the way Jobs screwed over the Apple ][ Side of the company – the kids who basically put the company on the map – the name twist is apropos. Also, since I coined it way back when, I reserve the right to use it as I see fit. Deal with it
…You know, it just dawned on me. If they need someone to replace Jobs as the object of this (cr)Apple “Cult of Personality”, isn’t WGN’s Bozo the Clown out of a job these days?
The knowledge that Bozo the Clown died makes me sad, though that ping pong ball/bucket game was rigged.
Excellent headline, I left it up at the office and got a few chuckles by coworkers. (PC desktop techs)
“Sources WARN?” Uh oh, Jobs is still healthy…Better watch out or he’ll install DRM on your xmas stocking!
@Clueless
I don’t think this post is about Steve Jobs.