A moment of magical surrealism at CES infuses BBG blogger with mundane wonder

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The Toshiba presser begins with a curiously Mac-centric variation of the BSOD projected in triplicate in between a quatrain of anonymous, hooded HDTVs: a trial version nag screen courtesy of Little Snitch, a program often used by Apple pirates to prevent warezed apps from phoning home.

The audience gasps. There are a couple of nervous titters. Two loud mouthed gentlemen sitting next to me — men whom, after their whole clueless generation, use the word “blog” to mean “post” — grab each other, as if to mutually brace one another during the throes of spontaneous micturation. “OH…. MY…. GOD….” one whistles through his moustache.

The mind reels. No one can process it. A few war hardened photogs lift their cameras and pop off a few shots. Paddle shocked by the exploding flashes into plodding action, I realize I should do the same, remove the cap from my camera…

And then, just like that, the Little Snitch nag screen is gone. Silently but pervasively, the audience forms a covenant inside itself: the Little Snitch nag screen must not be mentioned. It is simply too unreal. Like victims of mass alien abduction, we dare not utter that which peels away the cowl of our society’s own accepted truth.

But as the tedium of the Toshiba presser sets in properly, I find my mind going back to the Little Snitch nag screen time and time again, an ineluctable memory to be fondly cherished. As magical and unexpected as a pegasus unicorn charging through a bah mitzvah, it is — by far — the most exciting moment yet of my CES presser experience.

I, of course, have no proof: only the mundanity of the anecdote testifies to its authenticity. maybe other blogs will corroborate. But who cares? I tell this story for a reason: I feel it puts into perspective the unfathomable boredom of sitting through these pressers. Really, guys… this shit is rough. If you perceive a certain amount of reservedness in our posts this morning, there’s your reason: the energy and excitement inherent in the average CES presser makes an episode of The Golden Girls seem as high octane and sexy as a John Woo directed gang bang.

Did you know there are people who come to CES for fun? Who fake their blogging credentials to get into these very same pressers? Chattering enthusiasts who send purple, gastropoidal tongues rolling in ecstasy over their gray, mottled lips with every freshly revealed Powerpoint slide? These inexplicable people wander the halls of the Sands Convention Center… as perverse, sadomasochistic and profane as genital auto-mutilation hobbyists. Horror.

But I digress. Your regularly scheduled coverage of Toshiba CES presser will follow momentarily. Buckle in your sputtering gastric systems: it’s going to be a doozy!

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9 Responses to A moment of magical surrealism at CES infuses BBG blogger with mundane wonder

  1. Shrdlu says:

    SNEJ@#4: I agree–well, more of a reverse firewall, isn’t it? I like to know what communications are going in and out, especially on the Web. I also like to know when non-pirated software is calling home.
    _________________________

    < >

    Is “bah mitzvah” when a lamb becomes a ram, or is this an alternative spelling I’ve never seen? Nonetheless, you are the master of metaphor, the sultan of simile. “…genital auto-mutilation hobbyists:” nice touch.

  2. Joel Johnson says:

    In my day we had to blog CES uphill.

  3. pork musket says:

    Damn, now I can’t get the thought of a lesbian Mexican standoff out of my head.

  4. DSMVWL THS says:

    This post exemplifies why BB Gadgets is so much fun to read. It’s my favorite flavor of Boing Boing.

  5. sisyphus says:

    I would have to suppose that “bah mitzvah” is the androgynous middle ground between the bat mitzvah, for 13-year-old girls, and bar mitzvah, for 13-year-old boys.

    Or perhaps an indecisive and indifferent grunt, “bah!”

  6. snej says:

    I have no doubt that some software piraters use Little Snitch, but there’s nothing shady about the app. It’s just a form of firewall that lets you monitor and control what network connections apps make, and there are plenty of legitimate reasons to use it for security purposes.

    But I get the take-home point: in the face of such monumental tedium, any sort of even slightly unexpected thing can assume monstrous status. Be brave, guys; I’m glad you’re over there defending my freedom. Or something.

  7. A New Challenger says:

    Brownlee and Jim Sterling need to have a baby.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Age corrupts us all! So sorry to hear of your imminent retirement, Joel… but rilly I kid.

    Remember, new media’s only “killer app” is filtering and reviews…

    Your cross to bear is CES inanity — mine is Whovianism! Everyone I’ve ever loved… le sigh!

  9. eustace says:

    You toil and struggle through the stinking bowels of Hell so we don’t have to. My hat’s off to you, guys. Give yourselves some Palm Theater – you deserve it.

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