Finally Fast! is unappetizing system cleaning software for Windows. What makes it special is the ubiquitous TV ads, which feature all sorts of silliness. The current run has the Mac suffering a blue screen of death. You imagine it must be a little wink to geeks, saying "Yep. Yep. This isn't for you." And here it is in British:

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13 Responses to Finally Fast!

  1. nutbastard says:

    That’s right folks, computers run on magic, viruses are inevitable, and it’s perfectly alright to pay a company you’ve never heard of to get rid of them, who will invariably report that you DO have viruses, while likely never scanning ANYTHING.

    clamwin is decent free, open source antivirus, and mcaffee has a free DOS-level scanner. Beyond that, defrag your hard drive, turn off startup programs, buy more ram. it’s not complicated.

    on the other hand, if you buy something from these guys, you deserve exactly what they’ll give you – a false sense of security coupled with a heightened sense of paranoia. hey, just like the DHS!

  2. nutbastard says:

    also, to anyone running XP on older hardware – torrent and install TinyXP. as usual, back up your files to an external drive. it’s seriously much, much quicker/lighter/more responsive. supposedly it lacks a lot of features (none that i’ve missed or could even name) and you will notice a dramatic speed difference.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Finally someone notices this ridiculousness. The main TV channel I find this is on is, believe it or not, G4TV! You know a TV channel made for techies and gamers. Some gamers don’t know better, but techies can call this from the first ten seconds.

  4. Ed says:

    My mother, who’s had more malware infections than I can count asked me about this the other day after seeing the commercial. I told her we can permanently solve all of her malware problems for about $1,000. Just drive to the Apple store, give them the money and take home a Mac.

  5. Anonymous says:

    They added a barack lookalike after the election to the new adds. and some hot twins. lulz.

  6. Jenonymous says:

    What’s even funnier than this commercial is getting to listen, first-hand, to suckers who buy and install this POS on their machine and then complain when it runs even SLOWER than before, and spews all kinds of popups and crapware.

    A few weeks ago I spent a Saturday evening helping decontaminate a friend’s machine after he bought this thing. The first thing I did–before I decrappified his machine (had to roll back the system to two months prior; this thing sinks deep roots)–was to show him all of the online testimonials saying what junk this thing was.

    His answer? “Awww, you Google anything and you’ll get a mix of good and bad reviews.” I almost walked out of there but then that would have deprived me of the chance to laugh at his tastes in online porn (in addition to the crapware that he had, most of his problem was due to a huge, un-emptied temporary internet file cache).

    Heck, even my MOM knows better, and knows how to do a basic defrag and cache dump.

  7. The Life Of Bryan says:

    @1: It says “ is for PC Computers only.” I suspect they may *mean* Windows boxes only, but that’s not what the ad says.

    Maybe I’ll try it under Ubuntu when I get home.

  8. Reverend Loki says:

    Sadly, the first thing I noticed when I saw that commercial was that the Mac experienced a BSOD, an event which was shortly followed by small print disclaimer at the bottom of the screen stating “This product is for Windows systems only”.

    Add in the woman complaining that she hadn’t received an e-mail yet, which was somehow automatically her computer’s fault. Unfortunately, from personal experience, this commercial seems to hit upon most of the annoying misconceptions an inexperienced user has.

  9. Ryan says:

    More like format the hdd and install Ubuntu. =\

  10. fataltourist says:

    Our group had parodied these commercials (and combined it with superheroes)

  11. codeman38 says:

    I particularly love that the Macs shown in this ad are PowerPC models. (Perhaps that’s why they’re running Windows so slowly!)

  12. zanthony says:

    My folks were just asking about this the other day, and I wondered where’d they heard of it. What a perfect, trashy TV ad.

    Minor correction: the second spot is an Australian version, not British.

  13. Marshall says:

    The best part of the commercial is when the gamer is all joyous over being able to play games at normal speed again, and the game he’s playing is a shitty 1942 vertical scroller knockoff that could probably run on my Vic-20.

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