Author Archives: Minister Thanko Brando

MiniMac in the shadow of Marvin

This morning started as it always does: gritting my iPod-white teeth, I fingered the open trephine hole of my auxiliary port, smelled my fingers to detect any spillage and then — untangling the knots of the buycrime detecting umbilical that … Continue reading

ALERT: New line of “Pac-Man Pleasure Models” are Happy Mutant agents

Intelligence reports indicate that a new line of unlicensed Pleasure Models have been unveiled across the Metropolis. Scantly clad in lingerie that proudly displays their creamy expanses of “biomechanical” flesh and gossamer “fiber optic” lanugo, these Pleasure Models bear MiniLust’s … Continue reading

Living Goblin for Hugging in Uncertain Times

Strange times, these. Threatened by frightening yet strangely thrilling interlopers whose unseen, cat-like tongues abrasively thrill up and down my once turgid umbilical until strange and previously unknown ideas spurt molten-like into my brain… in these strange times, I think … Continue reading

Temperature Sweater will tell you when it’s too hot to wear a sweater

It has happened to you: unaware that the seasons have changed because you have not exchanged your Pegasus Rebates for the newest in barometric detection technology, you have pulled a sweater over your silicon unitard and ventured out for a … Continue reading

The new face of the Engasian propaganda machine: the NetTansorWeb blogging robot

Every Infomercian school boy learns to recognize the leering visage of the Engasian propaganda minister at an early age: the beady, calculating eyes peering myopically at a screen from behind non-functional Bargain Specs; the tuberous nose smeared in foul nostrums … Continue reading

DEFEAT MEAT! Upgrade your stereo to the TW-Acustic Raven AC!

Ever since the first bomb loaded with vat-grown Pegasus Steaks exploded in the lobby of MiniMac, spraying our Ministers of Mechanopropagation with raw protein slurry before they even had a chance to connect their umbilicals and absorb the morning’s first … Continue reading

Inflatable Puncture-Proof Pegasus Pleasure Plates coming soon!

All Infomercian citizens, please be advised: there is a general recall in effect of August 13th’s Compulsory Woot!, the Puncture-Proof Pegasus Pleasure Plate. MiniMac’s latest consumer studies suggest that the Puncture-Proof Pleasure Plate’s structural resilience is 0.02 points past Planned … Continue reading

Garriott, Lord British To Conquer Space

All citizens should be familiar with the magnificent personage of our nation’s great hero, Garriott, Lord British. Ask any recipient of a state-distributed Propaganda Pillow and they’ll tell you: as the glorious product head of Infomercia’s Ultima Online protocol, Garriot … Continue reading

Morning Reverie

Let LEDs shine on the nickel transistors of this land! Three trillion SKUs packed with MiniMac’s might! Infomercia! Glorious conglomerate! We will always be the envy of Engasia’s techno-catamites! Through headphones the DRM of freedom has cheered us Along the … Continue reading