Sweet Black Jesus I Have Unboxed a Heineken BeerTender


If ever I start complaining about what a rough job I have or how it's difficult to maintain a high output in the face of an onslaught of new products and the demands of a public job and dealing with PR pressure and blah blah blah...remind me of today. The day that a disinterested man pulled up his SUV to my front steps and unloaded—just for me—free beer.

Now granted, it's Heineken. And I sort of loathe Heineken. (They can brew better! I've had it!) But the point is this: 10 liters of free beer have been delivered to me; lo, to me this beer was delivered free.

So since I have to wait for the thing to cool down to actually drink the beer and the manual says that'll take several hours, you get a lovely set of photographs and initial, not-even-drunken commentary.

Kippis and l'chaim!


Here's how big the kegs are compared to a 12-ounce bottle of beer. The other keg is Heineken Light. I know—how could it get more light? I guess I'll find out when the first keg is finished.


Here is the top of the device. It is black like you know who and chrome like you know who's messiah robot counterpart.

I would call it attractive.


These are the plastic, disposable plugs that snap into the tops of the kegs. The other end is the spout. More on that soon, but basically, all that chrome is an illusion.


Here's the spout assembly open.


And here's the plastic plug laid in. Notice how the whole assembly is basically a ruse to make the disposable plastic bits seem fancy.


At the top, the two sensor readouts that make the BeerTender cost three-hundred dollars: a scale to determine how full the keg is (that has to be how they do it, since the keg doesn't actually hook up to anything and is pre-pressurized) and a temperature readout.


Finally, that attractive badge on the front of the tap? Just a vinyl sticker. (So you can replace it when you replace the beer with another variety besides Heineken, of course.)

I'll wait to pass final judgement until I actually use the thing—tomorrow, at least—but I'm almost certain I'll already give it a big, fat negatory on the whole buying thing. I mean, it's a refrigerator for god's sake. I'm getting ahead of myself!

Anyway, the point is: I should probably review this on camera and I should probably be very drunk.

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