I used to have a Kenner Millennium Falcon. I don't anymore. What had seemed like a wonderful idea in the feverish mind of a hyperactive kindergartner (namely, to simulate HyperDrive by tying a jump rope to one of leg of the Correllian freighter and then whipping it at high velocity around my head) ended with my father chasing me around the house with a bottle of Jack and spitting out teeth. The subsequent week spent tied to a radiator with the very same jump rope gave me some time to mull things over: actually, I don't think I like Star Wars very much, after all.
But Hasbro's new, two-and-a-half foot Star Wars Legacy Collection Millennium Falcon toy — coupled with my father's life-long incarceration — has me rethinking the resolution. This is sexy. Consider also: this is boss. From the pivoting gunner stations to the secret smuggling compartments and a light-up dejarik table, this is everything a little kid — eager to escape in a galaxy far, far away the drunken abuses of a father who has named each and every one of his knuckles after the brothers and sisters he had replaced — could ever want in a toy spaceship. But, of course, that poor, Dickensian whelp will never be able to afford this when its released in July, because toys aren't for kids anymore.