There comes a moment in every boy's life of sexual awakening, a moment when hormonal tides surge, when girls cease to be perceived as slimy, purple-faced goblins and instead become slyphs of terrible allure. When this happens, young men tend to turn to their fathers for advice, and I will never forget my father's sage words when I asked him how to go about the seduction of those soft and sweet-smelling creatures, the fairer sex which had reacted to my overtures at every turn with pantomimed vomiting noises. "Son..." my father said, driving me to the graveyard and handing me a shovel. "You look the way you look, and there's just nothing to be done about that. Just you remember: dead girls don't say no."
It's advice that has served me well, so I'm intrigued by these designer coffin couches... the perfect love seat for post-mortem seductions. According to the guys at CoffinCouches.com, they have managed to secure a number of unused 18 gauge steel coffins from South Californian funeral homes and convert them for use in your living room. Due to pesky South Californian anti-graverobbing laws (and I can attest to the fact that California's just maggoty with them), these coffins are entirely unused, so you don't need to worry that yours wasn't hosed off properly. The price of each couch is $4,500.
This is worthy of applause. It's just so rare that the furniture industry is brave and forward-thinking enough to pander to the interior decorating whims of necrophiliacs and millionaire goths. Bravo, CoffinCouches.com. Bravo!