Bloomberg: Steve Jobs is dead. Steve Jobs: No, bozos, I'm not.


Bloomberg is saddened to report the death of Steve Jobs. More saddened: Steve Jobs, clawing feverishly at the silk-lined lining of his casket while the dying light of his battery-deprived iPhone casts a symbolically significant "Golden Egg" upon the claustrophobic walls of his journalistic entombment.

Bloomberg's piece is lovingly wrought and almost religiously reverent. Jobs full title is prominently displayed in the headline: "Arbiter of Cool Technology XXXX," the successor to a line of divinely picked pontiffs starting with Arbiter of Cool Technology the First, His Holiness Alan Turing.

But Bloomberg does not ignore Jobs' human side. As they so deftly remind us, Jobs was well known within Silicon Valley for his Dirk Diggler style love-making prowess. The second paragraph reads: "Jobs XXXX; TK said XXXXX." It may be the subtlest yet most illuminating sentence on the size of Jobs' fabled genitalia ever written. Jobs said quadruple X, but the mysterious TK — an old paramour, perhaps — said it was quintuple X. A sight to behold, I'm sure!

Fortunately, it all appears to be a mistake. The 40th Arbiter of Cool Technology is still with us. The mistake was Bloomberg's: while updating Jobs' draft obituary (morbid, but common in the trade) some intern accidentally hit publish. Full text at Gawker.

Whew. That still gives me a chance to get an interview with His Holiness' XXXX through Apple PR.

Steve Jobs' Obituary as Run by Bloomberg [Gawker]

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3 Responses to Bloomberg: Steve Jobs is dead. Steve Jobs: No, bozos, I'm not.

  1. SamSam says:

    Ha! I used to have to write obits exactly like these when I worked at AP: “George W. XXXX XXXX’d today while sitting in the Oval Office” etc etc. (no, I never did any presidents). We had huge file cabinets of these, so when someone died at 8:00 pm and you needed 500 words you’d have it all written.

    All the XXX’s are there for this exact reason — nowhere in the published obit does it ACTUALLY say Steve Jobs died, so he can’t get TOOO pissed. (Though they may have slipped slightly with “he is survived by…” — we always XXX’d out “survived.”)

    Good to know that putting the XXXs in actually serves a purpose, and isn’t just over-protective lawyering.

  2. Kurt says:

    Hmm. Bloomberg, Jobs, Apple…

    It makes me wonder, did either the Intern, or someone connected to him or her, short APPL stock before this accident?

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