Bedside table breaks apart into bludgeoning weapons


The Safe Bedside Table breaks apart into a bat and a shield for the rapid bludgeoning of a home invader. Yeah, okay, not bad, but a bit unnecessary: I deal with my home invaders (and, occasionally, groggily forgotten houseguests) by smashing cheap Ikea bedside tables over the backs of their heads, then crucifying them to the floor with the splinters until the police can arrive. Although I guess this is a bit better for fending off a zombie attack.

The Safe Bedside Table [Bauldoff via Slipper Brick via Gearfuse]

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  1. I personally employ a laser guided focused microwave perimeter to prevent domestic attackers form entering my lair.

    Thus I avoid breaking a sweat personally cracking heads. Plus blood is so very hard to get out of silk wallpaper and Elgin Marbles.

  2. If they can get past the dogs, electrics fences, motion-sensing alamrs, landmines, AND my moat, they deserve to steal my stuff.

    Plus, what would happen to all the crap I normally keep on my bedside table?

  3. Unscrewing my bedside table at 4am is not a good plan. I’d probably break my lamp and step on the peg on that shiny base thing.

    Much safer with the luger under my pillow.

  4. The one Handrik and Mordak built twenty years ago didn’t require unscrewing. All four legs/clubs fit into holes in the top/shield, and the top just lifted off.

    It was for bar-room brawls… seated four, of course.

  5. They can take my table when they can pry it out of my cold, dead fingers…. (SOMEBODY had to say it)

  6. Dear LARPer-turned-wannabe-designer: Your home invader will have a shotgun; don’t bring a melee weapon to a ranged-attack fight. +10 to FAIL.

  7. I already keep a wooden billy club next to my bed (I’m serious) and often wonder what people must think of me when they see it. This is an excellent and practical solution for the paranoid people, such as myself.

    Ofcourse, those of use with any sense know there is no such thing as paranoia, just a heightened sense of what’s really going on, but save that for another time, it’s getting late.

  8. Without any padding on the arm side of the shield, nor reasonable straps/grips, it’s going to hurt like hell and/or shatter the arm the first time you block something.

  9. im gonna stick with my eight dollar machete from ace. jsut regripped the handle with electrical tape. very nice.

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